For the past couple of months, I have amassed an ominous collection of (long!) lists of a gazillion things-that-need-to-be-done. And I’ve been thinking, planning, working, researching, ruminating – and generally obsessing – over stuff like this:
- The book! The book! How do I market and sell the book!??
- How do I get the book “out there”? How do I promote it? How do I even write a press release? Who would I send a press release to?
- How do I get distribution (both local & international) for the book?
- Why is international shipping so horrendously expensive? Am I now expected to register as an “exporter” if I want to regularly ship my book off to international clients? What if I don’t want to register as an exporter?
- Shouldn’t I be just focussing on my website, blog and online store?
- Who can help me with the mess I’ve made of attempting to merge my (old) Living Differently site with my (new) Mad Hat site… (preferably without charging a fortune?)
- Should I have a special sign-in place for Tribe’sters?
- I really should be far more consistent – and especially when it comes to timeous blog-writing and social-media-posting and replying to people when they write on my Facebook wall…
- I haven’t sent out a newsletter in ages. I really should send out a newsletter.
- Maybe I should create a video? An online course?
- Should I advertise myself? Should I write up some kind of promo PDF and mail it off to people, telling them that I’m willing to do speaking engagements and creative workshops? Should I create a video to demonstrate to potential customers what that might look like?
- Should I design a new logo… a proper “Hat Brand”…?
- Are people going to get offended if I say “fuck”? Do the blog followers and social media peeps (apart from Tribe’sters, of course)… think I’m something I’m not? Do they realise I’m a potty-mouthed, irreverent agnostic? Will this offend them? Should I just not… uh… speak about “that” kind of thing?
- How do I keep readers and blog followers engaged? Do I utterly suck as a blogger (because I’m not consistently producing new, interesting, like-able “content”)…?
- Should I try to be more consistent and diligent?
- Should I try to get more “likes” on social media? Will it help book sales?
- How can I get my book to Australians and New Zealanders (because Amazon is also expensive for them)…?
- Is it possible to find a traditional publisher willing to take on my book and market and promote it *for* me? Should I be writing pleading e-mails and brown-nosing the corporates?
- Are people still viewing me as a “children’s book” author – when the Hat book was never intended as a children’s book? Should I rectify that?
- Have I shot myself horribly in the foot with that?
- I should write a grovelling e-mail to every person who has written to me who I have forgotten to respond to.
- Should I be writing a business plan? Shouldn’t I be trying to make some money?
- Should I be hiring an assistant? But hang on – I can’t afford to hire an assistant!
- Shouldn’t I be writing more “answer” blog posts – instead of weird, random ramble-posts (like this one)…?
- Shouldn’t I be offering people ADVICE and HELP and ANSWERS? Isn’t that what people want? “Answers”….? Shouldn’t I be creating some kind of life-coach-like workbook, handbook or online course? Something that can HELP people... ?
PS: If you read all of that – wow! You’re patient with me!! Accept my virtual-hug and sloppy coffee-kiss.
So… needless to say….
With all this working, ruminating, website-building, endless researching, attempts at creating an online store and workable website, attempts at writing out marketing plans and what-not… endless faffing with WordPress, Woo Commerce, Amazon and payment gateways (long-long story)….
Guess what I haven’t been doing?
C’mon! Guess!
- I haven’t been drawing.
- I haven’t been creating art.
- I haven’t been writing new songs and poems.
- I haven’t been art-journalling (or at least – I’ve only done a teeny bit)…
I haven’t been doing the stuff I love! The stuff that makes me come alive – the stuff I’m good at!
I haven’t been doing HAT-THINGS!!!
Instead, I have been spending hundreds of hours doing the following:
- Stuff I’m just not good at doing… that I’m not designed to do!
- Stuff that I pretty-much suck at.
- Stuff that drains me of all my creative energy.
- Stuff that makes me feel useless and stupid.
- Stuff that overwhelms me, frustrates me and paralyses me.
- Stuff that makes me feel continually guilty – as though I’m failing and letting people down… and not measuring up… and not being “enough”.
And WHY?
Mostly – because of all these crazy expectations that I have placed upon myself. All these long, long burdensome lists of things that I tell myself I should do… I’m supposed to do… I ought to do…
Sheeeeeeeeeesh! Some of us really need to learn the hard way, don’t we?
I KNOW that expectations are damaging and hurtful – and yet, I so easily… easily… fall straight back in to those same old patterns of…
trying… trying… trying…
to…
be…
someone…
I’m NOT!
…because… there are still remnants of a belief… deep inside of me… which persistently tries to remind me that “Hat”… is just not enough – exactly as she is.
My request to tribe’sters & long-term blog followers:
So – for those of you who are Tribe’sters (you know who you are)… those of you who have connected with me – who continue to walk WITH me on this mad-fascinating-challenging-crazy Journey… those of you who chat with me over e-mail… those who have shared stories, poems and photos with me… those who have read – and who get my book….
Please HELP me to stay HATTY! – and to NOT fall back in to the big, black pit of expectations, duties, mask-wearing and trying to please others by trying to be who I’m NOT.
Please tell me that you’re not all irritated and offended (when I take forever to post a blog or respond to your comment on social media).
Please remind me that I’m an ARTIST and a STORYTELLER… and that I really need to quit with all these ridiculous “Good-Blogger” or “Astute-Organised-Online-Businesswomen” ideals that I continually place upon myself.
Please tell me that you’re okay with me being me….
That you’re okay with my sporadic, inconsistent, messy way of being in the world.
That you’re accepting of my strengths and my weaknesses… and you’re not offended if I occasionally say or write rude words (or draw things like bums and boobs and ugly knickers!)…
That you’re not EXPECTING me to be anything other than myself.
I would be SO grateful guys… for your help – reminding-me-to-be-ME… reminding me to stay HAT…!
We walk this journey together. As I’ve often said… I have not “arrived” and I don’t have all the magical “answers”. But I do want to grow and learn from you as we journey together… (that is – if you can tolerate my sporadic, inconsistent communication!)…
Whether you reply to this post in the “comments section”… or if you reply on Facebook… or if you e-mail me… I am going to print out your words (photos, quotes or anything else you’d like to send my way)… and I’m going to stick them on my studio wall… and every time I’m tempted to put on a fake mask and morph into someone I’m NOT… I will read your words and be reminded of who I really am – and why it matters to remain true to that.
Thanks guys!!!
Zillion hugs… X Hat X
I never comment but I have been following along for a while. I suppose I am simply a casual observer. (Casual Observer by Elizabeth Whitson- good book if you’ve never read it. Good book all the same if you have.)
A lifetime ago I fancied myself a poet and author. Thankfully I grew out of it because it was shit. However, I did have a thought pop into my head back then that I held onto. “Thoughts abound within my mind, yet rarely paper touch. I fear that I have said too little but see I say too much.”
Don’t beat yourself up over all the things yet to do. Think about all you have achieved and take satisfaction in knowing that you aren’t done.
I have a “real” job. While I don’t dislike my job I know that I HAVE to do it. I have a hobby of making custom knives that I thoroughly enjoy. I don’t HAVE to do it. If it ever turned into a “real” job I’d stop doing it as anything I did would be forced and not inspired.
Stay inspired and everything on your to do list will become so much easier and rewarding.
Thank you for sharing your story with me and all you encounter.
Keith
Keith… thank YOU for connecting. Your words have made me think how wonderfully unique we all are… I love that you CHOOSE. You choose your life… your “real” job. You choose to keep your knife-making as your beloved hobby. Funnily enough – I also understand why many of us need to draw the line – and, in a sense, protect our passion – the thing we love to do. I used to love graphic design (many moons ago). After working in the industry and being paid to design all kinds of ugly things for some horrible people… my love for graphic design lapsed into a coma from which it has never recovered. In many ways I *get* why and how you protect your knife-making – because I do the same with my illustration (one of the reasons why I won’t accept paid commissions for illustrations / art – because then it becomes a “job”… and I don’t want my illustration to become a “job” – to be something (as you said) forced – instead of inspired. Anyway – ‘scuse the rambling… just wanted to say THANKS for connecting and for your kind words! X (PS: gonna look up that Elizabeth Whitson book)…. 🙂
Heather….fuck expectations!!
Oh… Charise, I love you to bits!! You have always been a friend to *gets* it! Who knows…!! X
I have so many things going on in my head. All at the same time. They distract me from doing the things that I like doing. Many of them are self inflicted problems (unnecessary things I waste my time on). Others are imagined problems. (Sigh), I like making lists. For everything.
So, fret not, you are not alone. Just be yourself.
And… Anita… that’s the thing! We so often *THINK* we’re alone… when actually, we’re not! It’s such a journey… this process of learning to be SEEN for who we truly ARE. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over this last couple of years – it’s that this change-thing is a process. More of a journey than a destination. For people who have worn masks and NOT been themselves for most of their lives… it’s quite a process to learn – to be okay – with just being ourselves… without disclaimers or apologies. It makes the process easier when there are people who walk alongside… and say: “It’s okay… just be YOU. I accept you as you are”. I really appreciate the folk that do that for me (as you just have)… and I want to do the same for others too! x
Heather, you are perfect the way you are !! Many of us are going through the same thing, I know I am . I am not doing the things I am passionate about because I did try to follow a path of making what I loved into a business. After way too many years I had to let it go as a business and I am struggling to enjoy it again. I am filling my days with stupid tv, housework , talking on the phone and pretty much avoiding my studio.
So, we all have to figure out our journey, and I believe a few bad curse words help a lot, lol !! I have tried to stop cussing, but I never will, I finally accept it !!!
So, just continue to figure it out, and just figure out what your hattness is,and remember hatness can change, and should change as you go through life. That is one big lesson I have learned. NOT to hold on to something , like I did my jewelry business, because I have been doing it for so long. I should never have tried for as long as I did, but it was just so hard to let it go. 25 years, but it was time.
It is a wonderful world, find things you love and always be willing to change your dream !! Get back in your studio and do something, that is why I am in here today , and just take it a day at a time !!
You are so right in what you said above, change is a process and we cannot rush it, we just have to let it take us where it will and be open to taking new paths. I am looking for those paths now, something new to explore. I am happy with my marriage and family , but personally I just want to do something , but it will have to be a journey and I am going to work hard to enjoy the journey, and not just try to get to that destination. That is sometimes the hardest thing to do !!!
xoxo
Thanks, S… and you know, I especially want to thank you for your MANY words of encouragement over the months… You’ve always been a person who *gets* it. Thanks for seeing, hearing and understanding – and for your kind words!! Let’s keep updating each-other with our progress and what we learn as we switch off all those “should’s” and “ought’s” – and just figure out what REALLY matters on our respective journeys…. Xxx
I must say there are moments when I really love rabbit holes and the adventures they bring. Ranty came up in my newsfeed this morning and I love her. I love her so very much. I think she’s amazing, and a protectress of sorts. After reading about Ranty I saw this post and it resonates deep within me. My schedule is such that I have very little time to do that creative thing I do. It’s making me cranky, somewhat forgetful, and quite a bit frustrated. There are so many ideas swirling and whirling around my creative brain. Thanks Hat for sharing the frustrating part of being.