Today… while waiting for the spaghetti to cook… in my kitchen… in my large suburban home… in middle-class suburbia…  I happened to start paging through the community newspaper which just happened to be lying on the kitchen counter.

I generally avoid the community newspaper at all costs.  Apart from bulging with the mandatory flyers and advertisements all demanding that I buy! buy! buy! – the articles (and letters to the editor) are one, long whinge-festival.   It seems like all the Moan-a-Lisas,  Grumbalinas and Whingeing-Walters use the community newspaper to write “outraged letters” to the editor – and to whinge and bitch about the “atrocities” that they witness in our town…  (previous topics have included much angry bleating about “vagrants who dig through dustbins” and “pot-holes that are not filled in the proper manner”… and “dogs who bark incessantly”).

One of today’s letters, however, was the cherry on the proverbial cake (for me)….

Here’s what it read…

“I am sure I am not alone in anger and frustration with the leaflet distributors who think it’s okay to deface my property and electric gates.  Why do we allow these morons to place sticky tape on the gates or Prestik, which leaves behind a greasy spot?  Also, why do I have to get out of my car, putting myself at the risk of hijacking, to pull junk off my gate?  There should be a law stating that people who deface electric gates in this way should be heavily fined”.

Oh… please drive a wooden stake through my beating heart right now.

The world has come to an end.

Somebody has put a tiny blob of gasp! PRESTIK on this woman’s gate which has left a greater, more anguished gasp! … a greasy mark!!!?

Holy Crap!!  What is the world coming to??

Greasy marks on gates?  What next?  The apocalypse?!!

And the scandal… that she had to actually (clutching heart in horror)… get out of her car (!!??)… and REMOVE the offending pamphlet from her gate!  OMG – what terrible horrors she has had to endure…

Clearly, I have overstayed my welcome in this town… and need to get out NOW.

Like… N.O.W.!!!

Get me away from these people!!!

Away!  Away!  Awayyyyy!!!!