So… I’m still dreaming about that home in Simon’s Town. The beautiful, old building that I can just picture ourselves living in… the one that costs – like – $1 million!
I’ve been trying not to obsess over that building. But (and this really should come as no surprise)…when one repeatedly tells oneself not to obsess over a particular thing – it usually results in… well… you know.
However… if I’m to look on the bright side…
…an interesting and unexpected development has come out of my obsessing-over-an-expensive-home-I-currently-can-not-afford: I have found myself pondering on the one subject that I HATE thinking about: money (and the generation thereof).
As a stereotypical creative creature, I would prefer not to think about money (ever).
I’d prefer not to deal with money… I don’t want to charge people for my work… I don’t want to invoice… I don’t want to market… I don’t want to budget… I don’t want to balance stuff… I don’t even want to look at bank statements!
Actually – if I could just block the whole “money” thing from my head – forever – I’d be more than happy. I could just do what I do (create!!) – and some how, some way… the money-stuff must just… y’know… sort itself out! It should just… I dunno… materialize magically in my bank account…
Except… it hasn’t. It doesn’t. And… it won’t.
Last month, I made a grand total of $2.30 (commission from Amazon because someone, somewhere, purchased my very neglected-and-unmarketed book).
Were it not for my hardworking and amazing husband, I’d be living in a dark, dank cellar… scavenging leftovers and painting on used serviettes with my own blood. Or… I’d be forced to return to the world of corporate advertising (which would seal my doom far quicker and more effectively than the cellar option).
Thinking about my more… expensive… dreams has forced me to re-think the money-thing.
It has forced me to ask myself the following (very uncomfortable) questions:
- Why does any conversation about money (and the fact that – y’know – I’d really like to have some of it) make me feel guilty, greedy, shallow and materialistic? Where does that mindset come from? Why does a large part of me feel greedy and ashamed when I dream big, expensive dreams?
- Why do I feel as though my art has no value? And yet – I don’t feel that way about other people’s creations. Why does their art have value… but not mine?
- Why do I feel no resentment towards other artists / writers / musicians who are fabulously successful and wealthy… and yet, find it so difficult – almost impossible – to imagine that I might achieve success as well?
- Why am I so utterly paralyzed at the thought of getting my book / art / creations OUT there in the world? Why do I keep shooting myself in the foot? Self-sabotaging? Holding back… feeling such an intense sense of dread at the very idea of selling and/or promoting my work?
- Where do the voices of those inner critics come from – and how do I shut them up forever?
- And what’s with those sharp feelings of resentful-jealousy that pop out of nowhere whenever I come across a Self-Promoter? Why do get all huffy at self-confident people who find it so flippin’ easy to sell, market and promote their own product or skill???
And jeez… what a magnificent can of worms I have opened in the process!! You guys have no idea!
I am one twisted sister!!
So – in the interests of raw, open, journeying-through-my-crap with anyone out there who wants to join me… I have decided to openly document this strange (scary) journey.
And I’m going to be pretty visual in the way that I work through all these LIMITING mindsets (that I hate like poison!)… (it helps me when I draw what I’ve hearing, feeling and experiencing – sometimes, it makes things clearer than what words can).
If any of you are also struggling with limiting mindsets in the money or big-dreams department – please share in the comments! Maybe you guys have some nuggets of wisdom that I really need to hear!
Next Blog Post (another illustrated one) will address Limiting-Mindset-1: my default-hide-behind-a-rock-setting and my secret jealousy/resentment of self-promoters (those who stand on top of rocks, basking in the spotlight)…
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Thanks for hanging in with me, peeps!! X