So – over the past couple of months or so…
I have been undergoing…
…what can only be described as a metamorphosis of sorts.
I have been through an extremely hermit’y season. Haven’t been visiting or socialising… haven’t been hanging around at coffee shops – (or even getting OUT the house)… have barely seen family or friends.
It’s not a bad thing though…
I’m not lonely or sad. The only way I can describe this season is… transformational. I feel as though I have NEEDED to disappear into my cocoon for a while and give myself time and space to… change.
I’m not even sure what I’m changing in “to”…
But – I have (again) transitioned into yet another phase of life… which looks very different to the last phase! (Oh well – at least nobody can accuse me of being stagnant!).
And… I seem to be embracing…
(takes deep, deep, DEEP breath)
…the fact that I am (and always was)… a REAL Artist.
So – in a nutshell – the story of my life:
- Early years: I’m me, I’m Hatty, I draw, I paint, I create, I sing, I believe myself to be an artist – no prob.
- Teen years: I start absorbing the idea that “art-is-just-a-hobby”… and “art-is-not-a-REAL-job”… and “REAL artists are special, cultured, super-gifted, very-rare-people!”. Eventually (at the age of 19 – after marrying husband #1) – I stop painting.
- From 19 – 34: The Diminishment Years. Trying everything in my power to fit-in, be-normal, grow-up and become the sensible, practical, responsible, respectable woman that my school, church, society, whatever has told me I should be. For the first couple years – I do NOTHING creative at all (not a “REAL” job – remember?). Later on – after it becomes unbearable NOT to create – I gravitate towards graphic design. I freelance for corporate clients for a number of years.
- From 34-40: Slow… slow… progress in rediscovering who I really AM (thanks in large part to amazing husband #2 who encourages me – and gives me the space to figure shit out). Also – our collective decision to live differently… to travel… to homeschool our kids… to explore… gives me the space and freedom to start to see a “bigger” picture taking shape.
- From 40 – 43: While on a road trip… I start drawing again. Then the art-journalling begins (which turns out to be tremendously healing and freeing). And I find myself writing and illustrating a poem about my journey – which eventually morphs in to my first book – “How Heather got her HAT’ness back”. I put the finishing touches to my book in Cape Town – which is where I was born and where I spent my first free, uninhibited years. It feels as though I’ve come full circle.
- For the first part of this year: I carry on with various story ideas, poems, art-journals and lots of small illustrations. I consider myself an “illustrator”… occasionally WANTING to call myself an “artist” – but then stopping myself due to my long, comprehensive, limiting, inner-stereotypes of what “REAL” artists are ‘supposed to’ be.
- About 2 months ago: Through a very strange, unplanned turn of events… I create my FIRST large-scale painting. I do it for our film… as a set piece – a prop! And then I create another big painting. And another. And on the 3rd painting (which – as it turns out – was an old door)… SOMETHING SNAPPED INSIDE OF ME!!!
I can’t explain it.
Something just… snapped. And I let out my RAGE on that door. I literally… attacked it!
I attacked it with paint… and knives!!! I let out years and years of pent-up creativity and rage… on that poor, old door!!! (it’s in our movie – it can’t be missed!)
And… well…
Ever since then…
I have just been painting, and painting and painting…
It’s like I have 3 decades to catch up on! 3 decades when I SHOULD have been painting… but I didn’t… because I was scared, insecure and my mind was filled with fears, limiting mindsets and stupid stereotypes!
For the past month or two… here in my cocoon… I have been painting and painting… and experimenting and experimenting… like some kind of mad scientist! I have been painting BIG things (and using lots and lots of paint!). And there have been LOTS of firsts: first time I’ve painted on a large canvas. First time I’ve painted a large piece using oils. First time I have sent samples of my work to a gallery. First time somebody has purchased one of my paintings for actual money. I have even painted my first ever self-portrait! And I have also created a piece that’s a whirlwind of ranting, slashing, stabbing, screaming…. with a diamond in the centre of it all (yes – an actual diamond).
I will share them all with you once they’re done (I have included the NOT-finished self-portrait in this post).
Anyhoo…
So I just wanted to share that with you guys.
Hat is undergoing yet another transformation.
I’ll still be Hat (because that’s where it all began – and my HAT’ness remains one of the few consistent things about me)… but maybe – finally – I’ll be Hat-the-ARTIST… and I’ll finally be able to say that A-word out loud… without wincing.
Without looking around, saying: “An artist?? Where??“…
I love your article, it feels my writer is in here hiding too but not to sure how do bring her out completely with ‘life’ hanging around me. Thank you for that little bit of inspiration.
Thanks for chatting, Stella… and I’m glad I’ve given a bit of a nudge to that inner writer of yours! Release her! Let her out to shine! (in SPITE of “Life” grumbling, what-if’ing, self-doubting, etc)… write… write… write!!! 🙂 X
I absolutely love hearing how things have been evolving for you !! I am glad you can finally embrace that you are indeed an artist !! I am still in the struggle of trying to figure out what I want to do with myself, but it is encouraging to hear how things are changing for you, and I know my day is coming !! I am excited to hear about all your big pieces and hope you will share them when you are ready, I would love to see them !!!
Hat the artist is coming alive, that is awesome news !! The world needs your art !!!
Awww… thanks for those lovely words (as always)….! I must admit – even *I* am surprised at how this kind of expressive, large-scale contemporary art is POURING out of me… and especially since I always assumed it wasn’t my “thing”. The struggle to know what to **DO** with our lives begins, I believe, with first figuring out who we ARE (and who we are NOT). Followed, of course, by the deliberate actions of slowly turning away from all the stuff that doesn’t align or resonate with our true selves (this process usually takes a while)… hang in there, Stephanie… keep digging, questioning, experimenting, exploring… (and did I already mention questioning….?)….. X
Well, I think you do know when it starts pouring out of you !! How exciting for you to be at that place now !!!! You cannot help but create when you get to that place. I have been there in the past, but I am having a heck of a time getting there now. I will keep at it, I will not give up. But you are very inspirational to me. That you have made it to that point after all your struggles to find who you were, means I can too !!! Thanks for always sharing your story, no matter how hard it is. You have no idea how encouraging and in inpirational it is to others !!! I love watching your journey and I cannot wait to see where you are heading to next !!!
xoxo
And thanks, Stephanie for YOUR words of encouragement too! It really means so much to me…!! x
I think once we finally are on our own and do not have five people living with us, I will do a bit better ! It is hard to have the quiet time I need to figure things out with three small kids in the house !! ????I cannot wait to get my big front studio back , the room David and I are sharing is too small for all our combined creativity and darker !! I miss all the windows and light !! Hopefully soon they will get on their feet !! We will gain three rooms including me getting my big bright studio back !! I think it is so wonderful you are doing new things and figuring it out !! I am happy for you !!!!
So glad you’re getting your big, bright studio back! It’ll be lovely to have the space… and the right environment conducive to creative thinking, dreaming & DO’ing. I have a DREAM studio scenario: a large… bright… space with high ceilings and big windows overlooking (importantly) a gorgeous view! Right now – my art and supplies (in the Joburg home) are spread all over the place (much to the frustration of Nick). I tend to follow-the-light… and work in areas of the house where the LIGHT is lovely (rather than the “designated” rooms & spaces)…. Keep me updated on your progress once you have your big studio back. x
Well , not getting it yet! It will be at least a year and maybe more !! We are going to reorganize a bit and that will help !! My dream studio is very similar to yours !! My front room is not quite as wonderful as that , but it’s close enough for me ! It has four big windows 2 side and 2 front , and a French door next to the two front windows looking out on our big , pretty front porch and our picket fence and the side view from those two windows is our neighbors park like front yard beyond the same picket ! I am in the room behind that one right now and only have that side view and only morning sun so it is really dark in there after about ten or eleven am !! So , just waiting for the day I get my big room back ! It is bigger than the one I am in and I will not have to share !! David will stay in the current studio with his stained glass !! Believe me , I will post a big long post when I get to move back !!
Fantastic!
Funny, I recently turned 40 – and I am busy to re-discover myself. It felt as if the real me had been hidden for nearly 13 years. Slowly but surely, I am emerging again. It truly is a journey of self discovery. I discovered that I am after all is said and done an introvert (and not shy!). And that it is in fact wonderful – not something to be ashamed of as I had been led to believe. So many things suddenly make sense.
Your (not finished) self portrait really resonates with me.
I’m also an introvert… and not shy. I think there’s generally a bit of confusion around who and what introverts are. I’m definitely an introvert. And I’m not shy. And I’m not afraid of talking to people and communicating with people – and I LIKE connecting with people (and especially tribe’sters). What makes me an introvert, though… is that I need lots of alone-time in order to recharge my batteries. I get my strength… my batteries recharged… when I have the time and space to think and process. And – if I’m in a season where I’m interacting with a LOT of people on a regular basis… then the more alone-time I need. If I speak at an event, workshop or conference (which I LOVE)… and maybe I’ll connect with and chat to a whole bunch of people afterwards (which I also love)… I then need to retreat to a quiet, private space – on my own – where I can think, process and recharge.
I actually think that shyness and being introverted are two very different things. x Glad to hear about those self-discovery milestones of yours, though… x