Blogging can be a lonely road.
I don’t see the faces on the other side of this screen. I huddle in coffee shop corners, typing my thoughts, fears and dreams into this laptop… and I release them into cyberspace.
Sometimes (often) – it feels as though I’m just talking… or rather, writing… to myself.
And that’s fine, of course. I find that talking to myself… and writing to myself… is tremendously therapeutic and I do it often.
But still, there is always that very human part of me that longs to be seen… heard… and got. There’s always that part of me that yearns for a tribe – people who not only get the journey – but folk who are grappling with the same questions I’m grappling with… and chewing on the same kinds of thoughts and ideas… and those who understand my back-story (because they’ve been through something similar).
There was a time when I thought I was alone in my experiences of being weird… and of not-fitting-in… and of utterly hating (and feeling damaged by) my school experience.
There was a time (in the not too-distant past) when I thought to myself:
“Who are you kidding, Hat? Most people WANT normal. Most people LIKE the status-quo. Most people are not freakish rat-popping, tune-humming, messy-art-journal-making, semi-nomadic, coffee-quaffing, lunatic-creative creatures with strange personalities who snatch their children out of normal-school and take them for picnics in graveyards or whisk them off around the world on a whim!”
And it’s true.
Not everyone is Hat-like.
And there ARE people on the other side of this laptop screen…. lots of people, in fact.
And there are many, many (heartbreakingly many) people… who get what it feels like to not-fit-in. Who understand the tremendous pressure to conform-to-the-norm. And who resonate and relate with my stories of withering in school… because they withered too!
In the past couple of days, I have connected with… and heard the stories of countless people.
Most of the comments (many of which have arrived in my e-mail inbox) seem to be divided into two threads:
- Adults who – like me – feel as though they are *still* recovering from the message (perpetuated by a toxic society, the schooling system, the media, etc)… that we are just – not ENOUGH – exactly as we are. That we need to *fix* ourselves… and change… and be something else or somebody else entirely (if we ever hope to fit in or to be found ‘acceptable’).
- Parents (of children who are similar to “Young Hat”). Parents who recognise the beautiful uniqueness of their child who just doesn’t *fit*… and who are either in a place of questioning (i.e.: “We know something has to change, but we’re not sure where to start”) – or – parents who have already taken steps to ensure that their child is raised in an environment that is most fitting for the unique little being that they *are* (i.e.: homeschooling, unschooling, alternative schools like Sudbury, art schools, dance schools, etc…)
Truth be told, I have been on an emotional roller coaster over the past couple of days.
Because I resonate so deeply with these stories, I have teared up (more than once) whilst reading the comments and e-mails. And – just so you know – I’m not much of a crier.
But – my heart has also soared too! This morning, I received an e-mail from somebody who told me that she was “a Gillian” and she’s now, at the age of 37, going back to school to get a degree in dance.
My heart soared at that news. In fact – I suspect I may have slurped up some (happy) tears that plopped into my morning cup of coffee.
My heart also soars because she has a 10 year old boy… who thrives in school (and who LOVES his maths and his science) – and yet, when the boy read my story of Hat... and when he got to the part where Hat says: “Perhaps they are right”… he shouts out “Nooooooo!!!”
Because even at his age… he can recognise that there are others who are different… and that it’s OKAY… and that it’s wonderful (because diversity and uniqueness are wonderful) – and it upsets this boy to imagine that somebody feels they need to squash their uniqueness down in order to fit into some pre-defined Box.
We need more kids like that in the world. Heck – we need more adults like that in the world!
I think we should chuck all ridiculous One-Size-Fits-All expectations that we have of others (and of ourselves) on to the trash heap. I think that shit should be hoofed out our lives and our hearts like the toxic mulch that it is!
And I think we should do our best to encourage and allow ourselves and others to just BE who we truly are (with all our warts, weakness, weirdness and – of course – wonderfulness).
Because we need everyone – functioning at their best… in their happiest and most content state… to be able to change this world and make it a better place for all.
Thank-you for showing me that I’m not alone.
And remember: neither are you!