I have this… issue.
I’m a pretty chilled, easy-going person… and it really takes a lot to raise my blood pressure. I’m not highly-strung… I don’t like arguing with people… and I’m usually okay just to love and let live.
But one thing I really… really… struggle with (to the degree that it keeps me awake at night because I can’t stop obsessing about it)… is when I’m not got.
Am I the only person who needs so desperately to be “got”… to be “understood”… to be “heard”….? (??)
A good friend of mine recently posted a Seth Godin quote on his Facebook wall which said:
“It doesn’t matter if you’re right, it matters if you’re understood”.
Now – I don’t know what context that comment comes out of… but boy, do those words resonate with me!!
Because honestly… (and I mean this from the bottom of my heart)… I really don’t care much about being “Right”.
I’m a questioner. I question everything… all the time. I ponder things. I chew on things. And yes – with questioning comes a lot of movement and flow (when it comes to my opinions). For me… learning and growth and understanding are a journey… a process… they’re not some stagnant zone of “Rightness” or “Wrongness”. I just don’t see life that way.
I don’t care about being right… AND… I also don’t mind if people disagree with me (and again – I say this from the bottom of my heart).
It is not important that you AGREE with me… it is important that you HEAR me – that you GET what I’m trying to say.
The one thing that drives me completely bonkers… is when somebody leaps to an incorrect conclusion about who I am – or about what I’m trying to say.
- And they’ll say: “So… what you’re actually saying is this…”
- And I’ll say: “No! That’s not what I’m saying at all!!!”
- And they’ll say: “It absolutely IS what you’re saying!”
- And I’ll say: “No! You’ve completely misread me! You’ve completely misunderstood me! That’s not at all what I’m trying to say!”
- And they’ll say: “Don’t try and back track now. Just admit it! I KNOW what you’re trying to say! You’re saying this….”
Honestly.
Those kinds of conversations (whether face to face… or through typed words flying across the internet) drive. me. absolutely.barking.mad… (!!!)
I want to tear my hair out… scream blue murder… roll myself in sackcloth and ashes… rip at my flesh… gnaw off my own digits… (well – you get the picture).
Hmm.
Is there anyone else out there that’s like me? Do you also long to… need to… be got… and when people DON’T get you – and they misunderstand you… and mis-quote you… and jump to (entirely incorrect) assumptions about what they THINK you’re trying to say… do you go as barkers as I do?
C’mon… whispers… you can tell me!
It’s different with different people. I don’t care about the other ones, it’s their problem, they are entitled to hear what they want. But if they are the ones in my close circle then it affects me. Here I change like a chameleon, from hurt to mad, to sulk, to finding new ways to say the same thing so they can get me. And for some reason, after a long time of “fight” I realize that they got me from the beginning, only I didn’t get them.
Interesting, Ileana… I agree that it doesn’t bug me SO much when strangers don’t *get* me… but when family or friends misunderstand me – omigosh, it drives me up the wall. Blogging is also such a bittersweet endeavour. On the one hand, I celebrate when I connect with the people who *get* me… but desperately want to explain myself (and add a gazillion disclaimers) for the people who misunderstand my INTENTIONS in blogging (i.e.: I don’t blog because I want to *tell* people that they’re “wrong” in their choices… I blog because I want to share our journey – and connect with like-minded sojourners).
Anyway – it’s really not a big train-smash… and there haven’t been any troll outbursts or anything… I was just wondering if there were others who *need* to be understood (like I do).
Thanks for responding! 🙂
Yes!…ME…your mother! You’re very different to me in many ways….but I also very much need to be ‘GOT’ every bit as much as you do. I need to be understood too and it frustrates the heck out of me like nothing else, when I feel like I am not understood. Your words in this blog could be mine. In the same way, people dont have to agree to everything I do or say, but just UNDERSTAND! Its been something I have also had to live with most of my life. I guess thats why I teach in such a detailed way….out of my need to be understood? In the same way I probably say certain things and react to some people in a way they dont like me to – because I have misunderstood them!(Just a thought)
Ja… I know this about you. I know how much you need to be understood… and so, I *get* that about you. See? I *get* you! x
Thanks Babes…I appreciate that!
I totally get what you saying, it’s super frustrating. I often threaten my family after an episode of not being *got*, that we moving to the Karoo, where I don’t need to feel like this again!
Yes – it is super frustrating, huh? Thanks for responding, Charise! 🙂
I have been following your blog for a while now, and I absolutely love it, but I never post comments. And through this particular post I have realized why. It’s not that I get upset or frustrated if people don’t get me, I actually fear it! I felt safe commenting this time, because you HAD to get me after what you’ve just written. But as soon as I posted it, fear set in, thoughts like ‘oh no, what a negative thing to say’ and ‘Heather doesn’t know me, so she won’t be able to discern that I say random things like this’.
And so I checked for a response from you every half hour, ignoring the fact that you sick, desperate to have been *got*. So silly, I wish I wasn’t this insecure, that I could say screw you, to anyone who doesn’t get me. Apparently when you turn 40 this phenomenon happens, can’t wait for the end of this year then.
Hope you get better soon.
Oh, I understand more than you know! FEAR of what others will say… or what others will think… is something that I think that MOSTpeople struggle with on some level. And blogging is hard… because every time I post a perspective on something, I fret about how people might respond. I’m actually quite a sensitive soul (wish I wasn’t)… and I fear insults and ridicule. I don’t fear people disagreeing with me… I fear those who might let loose with a barrage of insults or ridicule if they disagree with me. Blogging has been (slowly) teaching me to become more thick-skinned. It’s a tough process at times but, I think, a good one. Thanks for chatting though… it’s nice to connect with the folks who read the blog regularly. 🙂