I’ve been doing a lot of driving lately… and, with a lot of driving… comes a lot of thinking.
Over-thinking, more like!
Everyone who knows me well (and especially poor Nick) knows that I’m an over-thinker. My mind is very… VERY… busy – and there’s a lot of noise going on inside of my head.
I don’t think I can ever recall not thinking… or allowing my mind to relax. My mind? Relax? Bwa-ha! That’s impossible. My mind doesn’t “do” relax.
Driving from Johannesburg to Hoedspruit – my mind had lots of and lots of opportunity to over-think EVERYTHING… and then to have crazy conversations with itself.
The crazy conversations went something like this (the orange are my irrational emotions… the blue is my voice of reason):
“I hate this… I hate this… I hate this…”
“Oh stop it! Grow up! It’s over. Move on”.
“I can’t move on… I can’t, I can’t! They didn’t *get* me… a whole bunch of people didn’t *get* what I was trying to say in one of my blogs… and I hate it when that happens!”
“It’s impossible for everyone to *get* you. Why don’t you focus instead on all the people who DID *get* what you were trying to say… instead of focussing on and obsessing about the few who didn’t?”
“Because I’m like Jesus with the one lost sheep?”
“Okay – it’s because I hate it when people don’t *get* me… or *get* what I’m trying to say. I hate it more than poison! I absolutely cannot stand being misunderstood – even if it’s partly my fault that I was misunderstood in the first place. I want people to *see* and *get* the person I am… and what I’m really trying to say… and it drives me stark-raving bazonkers when they don’t!”
“Yes, but you also want people to like you! Don’t forget that! You get all miserable and depressed when people don’t like you – and that’s just an impossible path to take. Not everyone is going to like you… in fact, there’s a whole bunch of people who won’t… and who don’t!”
“Yes, fair enough. I DO want people to like me… but, even more than that – I want people to *get* me… I want people to *hear* me. If they still disagree after actually *understanding* what it is that I’m trying to say… then I am 100% okay with that (viva diversity!). What I’m not okay with – is when they disagree because they think I’m saying something that I’m NOT actually saying! That drives me nuts – it really does!”
“Yes… but not everyone is going to *get* you, Heather”
“Maybe if I explained myself better, they would. Maybe I should write a very long blog explaining myself better…”
“Stop trying to justify yourself to everyone! You don’t have to be so desperate to try and explain yourself. And, besides… you could splurb a thousand explanatory words – and you’ll probably dig yourself into a deeper hole. Some people view the world through different lenses than you… actually, many people view the world through different lenses – and you need to be okay with that…”
“I’m okay with them viewing the world through different lenses – but I also want them to *see* through my lens too…”
“Yes, but not everyone wants to see through your lens!”
“Why not? I try all the time to view the world through other people’s lenses… I make a real effort to do that. Why won’t people reciprocate?”
“Because it’s not as important to everyone else as it is to you”.
“Yes, but I hate that! And especially people who should know me by now… why don’t people know me? Why do people still assume the worst about my motives and intentions? Don’t people know or understand me better than that? Especially people who have known me for years?”
“Why does it bug you so much?”
“It just DOES!”
“You need to think about something else. Think about all the people who did *get* you. Think about all the nice people who sent you PM’s and e-mails and said “It’s okay – we hear you!”… think about those people instead…”
“Do or do not. There is no try”.
“Think about this amazing trip… and think about all the wonderful, positive, exciting things happening in your life right now!”
“I AM… and I’m grateful for every single wonderful thing… and for every single wonderful person… but the people who don’t *get* me… and who accuse me of being something that I’m not… and especially the friends who don’t get me… the friends who seem convinced that I have ugly, ulterior motives behind my every move… behind my every word… well – they’re ruining this experience!”
“No! YOU are ruining this experience! YOU! Nobody can force you to feel something. If what they say or think about you doesn’t resonate with you… or if it just isn’t true… you don’t have to absorb it into your being. You don’t have to obsess about it. Brush it off and move on. You – and you alone – are responsible for your own happiness. You know these things, Heather! You preach them to other people all the time!”
“Yes. I do know these things. Some truths in my head clearly haven’t made it down to my heart”.
“But they’ll get there in time. From your head… to your heart”.
“Yes, they’ll get there”.