Here’s the question:

afraid

There’s a lot of stuff that I’m not afraid of.

But, if you read this post – you’ll know what I AM afraid of…  and here’s the Great-Big-Fat-Contradiction about my life….

This post (that you’re reading now) comes (ironically) right on that back of another post – which talks about stuff that isn’t important.

In that post, I wrote (with lots of gusto and whole-hearted belief) that what-people-say about me… and what-people-think about me… is just NOT important in the big scheme of things.

It’s not!

But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t scare me.  The truth is:  I remain afraid and worried about what other people think or say about me – and especially when it comes to very personal stuff like how-I-look or how-I’m-perceived….

I wish it weren’t true.  I wish I was a water-off-a-duck’s-back kind of person who really wasn’t so frikkin’ affected (and often infected) by the opinions of others…

SO – in answer to the question at the top of this page…

If I honestly didn’t give a damn about what people thought about me… or what people said about me… if I honestly wasn’t afraid…  here’s what I would do:

  • I would be honest with the world (and this blog) about my religious beliefs.
  • I would chop my hair off into a pixie cut.
  • I would say (and write) “fuck!” far more often.
  • I would dance in public…. (wildly!).
  • I would dress like the wild, creative creature that I AM (on the inside – but which is never “shown” on the outside).
  • I’d wear a swimsuit when swimming (instead of endless shorts, sarongs and other cover-up’s).
  • I’d tell stupid jokes.
  • I’d try my hand at acting – just for fun!
  • I’d write about the intricacies of my addictions.
  • I’d stand up to a couple of pushy relatives and tell them exactly what I think (politely, of course).
  • I’d share my songs with the world.
  • I’d share my paintings and illustrations with the world.
  • I’d share my views on politics.
  • … and more…

But the truth is… I am a scaredy-cat!  A wuss! … and I worry way too much about what other people say about me – and what other people think about me.

My head acknowledges that it’s NOT IMPORTANT and that it’s a really stupid thing to worry about.

But deep inside, my mantra is this:  “Sticks and stones may break my bones – but words will break my heart”.

Part of the reason why I blog… is because I’m trying to make very deliberate steps towards being very real and very authentic… and saying, doing, confessing and admitting some things that are… scary for me to say / do / confess and admit.

Because the more I do something in SPITE of how frightened and worried it makes me feel… the closer I inch towards the freedom just to “be”….

And that’s what I crave:  The freedom to be fully, authentically, honestly, warts-and-all… “ME”.

And to not give a flying-fuck about who may disapprove.