Here’s the question:
There’s a lot of stuff that I’m not afraid of.
But, if you read this post – you’ll know what I AM afraid of… and here’s the Great-Big-Fat-Contradiction about my life….
This post (that you’re reading now) comes (ironically) right on that back of another post – which talks about stuff that isn’t important.
In that post, I wrote (with lots of gusto and whole-hearted belief) that what-people-say about me… and what-people-think about me… is just NOT important in the big scheme of things.
It’s not!
But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t scare me. The truth is: I remain afraid and worried about what other people think or say about me – and especially when it comes to very personal stuff like how-I-look or how-I’m-perceived….
I wish it weren’t true. I wish I was a water-off-a-duck’s-back kind of person who really wasn’t so frikkin’ affected (and often infected) by the opinions of others…
SO – in answer to the question at the top of this page…
If I honestly didn’t give a damn about what people thought about me… or what people said about me… if I honestly wasn’t afraid… here’s what I would do:
- I would be honest with the world (and this blog) about my religious beliefs.
- I would chop my hair off into a pixie cut.
- I would say (and write) “fuck!” far more often.
- I would dance in public…. (wildly!).
- I would dress like the wild, creative creature that I AM (on the inside – but which is never “shown” on the outside).
- I’d wear a swimsuit when swimming (instead of endless shorts, sarongs and other cover-up’s).
- I’d tell stupid jokes.
- I’d try my hand at acting – just for fun!
- I’d write about the intricacies of my addictions.
- I’d stand up to a couple of pushy relatives and tell them exactly what I think (politely, of course).
- I’d share my songs with the world.
- I’d share my paintings and illustrations with the world.
- I’d share my views on politics.
- … and more…
But the truth is… I am a scaredy-cat! A wuss! … and I worry way too much about what other people say about me – and what other people think about me.
My head acknowledges that it’s NOT IMPORTANT and that it’s a really stupid thing to worry about.
But deep inside, my mantra is this: “Sticks and stones may break my bones – but words will break my heart”.
Part of the reason why I blog… is because I’m trying to make very deliberate steps towards being very real and very authentic… and saying, doing, confessing and admitting some things that are… scary for me to say / do / confess and admit.
Because the more I do something in SPITE of how frightened and worried it makes me feel… the closer I inch towards the freedom just to “be”….
And that’s what I crave: The freedom to be fully, authentically, honestly, warts-and-all… “ME”.
And to not give a flying-fuck about who may disapprove.
Well, now I really want to listen to your religious beliefs, songs, addictions, jokes. Also want to see your paintings. And not much just because we are so far away and I know it would be weird to bring a video of you dancing wildly (but you should, though)
Tee-Hee…. don’t tempt me! I may just…. 🙂
LOVE this… I totally agree. I do the exact same thing. I decided to stop coloring my hair and let my grey show… my friends are horrified. “but you’ll look so much older than you are!” oh well… letting go… baby steps… 🙂
Yes!!! Baby steps!! One little brave move at a time…! (Note to self: add not-fretting-about-grey-hairs to list!)
Hey there Heather, here’s a baby step that helped me take the leap to further creativity – colouring in. Help yourself to colouring sheets for free on my online colouring book. Somehow it just seems to get the ball rolling to start creating again. I had years of covering up, and hiding away, and have slowly emerged and hope that you do too. All the best…. ~WilderSoul
Heather, I’ve been meaning to ask. Does your family read this stuff? Cos, you are braver than me already.
SOME of my family read this blog. If I think too much about WHO might read it – I get rather antsy… and worried (which, in itself, annoys me). The problem with families reading blogs (and with KNOWING which family members read my blog)… is that I often find myself over-editing the blog… and trying too hard not to offend certain people who *might* be reading. It’s so flippin’ draining!!
I crave the freedom to write… and live… in a way that is SO completely un-edited… un-watered-down… un-politically-correct… and just real, raw and authentic… (even if it’s sometimes unorthodox, irreverent – and yes, maybe even construed as rude or offensive to some). Every day… I TRY to be a bit braver… a bit more honest (with others… with myself)… but I STILL find myself lying in bed at night… worrying what my mother may think of me… or whether my in-laws are gossiping amongst themselves (*sigh*)
Oh I know the feeling! I moderate the language I use, as my kids read it, and i want to lead by example (ahem, not very good in real life!) But as for the content?? I have a whole gallery of critics in my mind.