Here’s the question:
There’s a lot of stuff that I’m not afraid of.
But, if you read this post – you’ll know what I AM afraid of… and here’s the Great-Big-Fat-Contradiction about my life….
This post (that you’re reading now) comes (ironically) right on that back of another post – which talks about stuff that isn’t important.
In that post, I wrote (with lots of gusto and whole-hearted belief) that what-people-say about me… and what-people-think about me… is just NOT important in the big scheme of things.
But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t scare me. The truth is: I remain afraid and worried about what other people think or say about me – and especially when it comes to very personal stuff like how-I-look or how-I’m-perceived….
I wish it weren’t true. I wish I was a water-off-a-duck’s-back kind of person who really wasn’t so frikkin’ affected (and often infected) by the opinions of others…
SO – in answer to the question at the top of this page…
If I honestly didn’t give a damn about what people thought about me… or what people said about me… if I honestly wasn’t afraid… here’s what I would do:
- I would be honest with the world (and this blog) about my religious beliefs.
- I would chop my hair off into a pixie cut.
- I would say (and write) “fuck!” far more often.
- I would dance in public…. (wildly!).
- I would dress like the wild, creative creature that I AM (on the inside – but which is never “shown” on the outside).
- I’d wear a swimsuit when swimming (instead of endless shorts, sarongs and other cover-up’s).
- I’d tell stupid jokes.
- I’d try my hand at acting – just for fun!
- I’d write about the intricacies of my addictions.
- I’d stand up to a couple of pushy relatives and tell them exactly what I think (politely, of course).
- I’d share my songs with the world.
- I’d share my paintings and illustrations with the world.
- I’d share my views on politics.
- … and more…
But the truth is… I am a scaredy-cat! A wuss! … and I worry way too much about what other people say about me – and what other people think about me.
My head acknowledges that it’s NOT IMPORTANT and that it’s a really stupid thing to worry about.
But deep inside, my mantra is this: “Sticks and stones may break my bones – but words will break my heart”.
Part of the reason why I blog… is because I’m trying to make very deliberate steps towards being very real and very authentic… and saying, doing, confessing and admitting some things that are… scary for me to say / do / confess and admit.
Because the more I do something in SPITE of how frightened and worried it makes me feel… the closer I inch towards the freedom just to “be”….
And that’s what I crave: The freedom to be fully, authentically, honestly, warts-and-all… “ME”.
And to not give a flying-fuck about who may disapprove.