For those of you who feel trapped (and yes, I’m aware that not everyone feels trapped)… but for those of you who DO feel trapped.
This post is for you.
I want to instil a bit of hope. (Hopefully).
There is HOPE for those who feel trapped in a place of self-loathing, low self-esteem and body-hatred.
A couple of years ago… this is what life was like: I hated myself. There is no other nice way to put it. My self-hatred was so extreme, I would self-abuse. I believed that I needed to be punished. I believed that I needed to hurt… because I deserved that hurt… I deserved that punishment because I was bad, bad, bad… BAD. Here’s how I punished and self-abused:
- I binged. And binged. And binged some more. Slabs of chocolates, bags of chips, 3-cheese-pizzas, tins of coke, anything and everything I could stuff down my throat in an attempt to numb or anaesthetise myself against the disappointment I felt about myself – and about the state of my life.
- Bingeing (naturally) only brought on extra large doses of shame about how “weak” and how “pathetic” I supposedly was. So I would cut myself (mostly my forearms or my stomach)… or I would pull out the hair on top of my head (one by one)… or I would take a wooden baton and beat bruises into my own legs whilst repeating “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”.
- I so desperately hated my body and my appearance – that I lost all interest in taking care of myself. I wore baggy, faded tracksuit pants and old T-shirts. I never bothered with hair or make-up… I always used to think: “What’s the use?”. I couldn’t even raise my eyes to look at my own reflection in the bathroom mirror when I brushed my teeth in the morning.
Extreme? Yes it was.
It’s hard for me to dwell on the memories of that time. They’re not pretty memories.
Here is a photo of me during a really shitty season of my life (at the time – I was cutting):
And here’s a photo taken a couple of years later. I wasn’t cutting any more… but I was still bingeing and filled with feelings of shame and self-loathing:
But there’s hope!!!! Change is possible.
Today… I can honestly say… that I no longer hate myself. I like the person I see in the mirror (and I’m not just talking physically… I’m saying that I like the “me” that I greet in the morning)… and I’m slowly starting to learn to even LOVE the person I see in the mirror (baby steps).
- I haven’t binged in 3 and a half years.
- I haven’t cut, beat, plucked-myself-bald… since early 1999.
- I greet myself with a genuine, self-loving mirror-smile in the morning. I’m not ashamed to look myself in the eye.
- I no longer shame my body.
- I’m not afraid of wearing bright, colourful clothes… of celebrating my me-ness (I even cut my hair short and dyed it pink a while back)
- I no longer desperately need or seek the approval of others. If I want to swim in the sea with my kids… then I swim in the sea with my kids. I no longer fret about irrelevant things like fatness / cellulite / big bum and not wanting to appear in public in a swimsuit. Those days are OVER. I don’t give a damn about whether other people *approve* of me – or my body – (or not).
Here is an illustration that I have created for my book, “How Heather got her HAT’ness back”.
The single most important decision that I made with regards to my journey towards inner-healing… was when I decided to love and respect myself – exactly as I was!!
This was a HUGE departure from my shoot-myself-in-the-foot mentality of the previous 25 years… which was:
- “I will only like myself when I’m thin”…
- “I will only nurture myself and treat myself with respect when I’m thin – because right now, I’m too fat and revolting to *deserve* love and respect”.
- “I will only buy myself nice clothes when I’m thin. But right now, I’m shameful and I need to hide… so I will cover my body with black, baggy clothes and hope that nobody will notice me”
- “I will only pamper myself with treats like trips to the spa, pedicures and new hair-do’s when I’m thin. Because – at this size – what’s the point? You can’t disguise an ugly thing”
Yes… well.
You can probably imagine how well that worked out for me… (insert sarcastic snort here)
To cut a (long) story short… when I decided that I was going to choose self-love and self-care over body-hatred, fat-shaming and self-abuse… it was the beginning of my journey towards healing.
You can not hate and shame yourself into change. It doesn’t work. It never works.
Change only came when I slowly started adjusting my toxic attitude. Change only came when I slowly learned to stop hating and shaming myself – and my body. Change only came when I began to believe (a slow journey – by the way)… that perhaps my weight didn’t determine my worth… and perhaps I was worthy of love and respect exactly as I was (flaws, fat and all)…! Love and respect by others – sure… but it had to begin with love and respect by ME.
Here’s a recent photo / artwork of me (also going in the book)…
I’m not “perfect” (in fact, I have completely disentangled myself from the very idea of “perfection”). The journey towards healing and self-love continues. I still have feel-crappy days… and shroud-myself-in-black-baggies days… and food remains my Kryptonite. But, in spite of those things, I’m happy-to-be-Hat. I wear bright colours. I pink up my hair. I don’t skulk along in the shadows any more. I don’t hide any more. I’m not ashamed any more. I have learned to embrace my uniqueness… my HAT’ness… my quirks… and yes – even my flaws!
So much wonderful change has taken place… but I haven’t “arrived”. Nobody has. The journey continues – and I’m more than willing to walk alongside anyone who is still struggling with the issues (mentioned above) that I struggled with for such a long time. Feel free to e-mail me and send me your story…. heather@themadhat.co.za
Perhaps we can learn from one another as we journey together?
And finally: maybe low self-esteem, eating disorders and body-shaming is not your thing… So – here’s another area where you may feel trapped… where (I can assure you)… there is HOPE:
There is HOPE for those who feel trapped in shitty, life-sucking jobs that they hate! There is HOPE for those who feel trapped by debt.
(But I’ll discuss that in a later post!) 🙂
“You can not hate and shame yourself into change. It doesn’t work. It never works.”
I know it, I know it’s logical, and yet it’s still the hardest thing for me to accept… seeing other women winning this battle is inspiring though, so yay you 🙂
Thanks for responding, Jess… and I agree with you. It IS a hard thing. Especially since we live in a society that teaches us (in so many ways) that shame is a necessary motivator to change. I used to take “fat photos” of myself… and I’d try to shame myself into change… by scrutinising those photos… reminding myself how supposedly “disgusting” I was… with the hope that I’d eventually become so revolted by the state of myself – I’d be incentivised NOT to eat. Of course – it only had the opposite effect. I’d end up bingeing anyway… partly as a self-punishment… and partly as a way to numb my emotions (or at least… temporarily). I’m still pretty amazed at how many years (decades) I did that… believing so fully that I could hate or shame myself into change. I still have my issues, of course (we all do). But I don’t hate… or shame… any more… (possibly one of my biggest milestones in my personal journey thus far). It’s a journey. To quote somebody by the name of Cari Corbett-Owen: “A changing habit is a series of repeated stumblings where we learn to catch ourselves earlier each time”. If you just catch yourself earlier… each time… you’re making progress! And that’s awesome! THANKS for connecting, Jess! X
It’s hard to be vulnerable but I believe that’s where your power lies. You are such an amazing woman and artist.
Thanks, Jen. Thanks for those kind words. I really appreciate it! x
I love everything about this post! I didn’t even realize I was so at odds with my body until a few years ago. I mean, I grew up not being pleased with it, and ashamed and that was so very normal that I didn’t even think about it. While on a personal journey of healing, I saw quite clearly how much I was ashamed of my body. Because I’ve been using a soul directed hypnotherapist to help me with healing, one day we did a session specifically around body image. I travelled back in time to times during my life when I had things happen that basically triggered me to be ashamed of my body (and we affected healing). It’s been a process of unfoldment, and small steps, but I feel better about myself and my body than I ever have in my adult life. And learning that perfection is a myth, certainly helps. I now know that I am perfect as I am, in my imperfection.
Oops! Forgot to comment on your art. I absolutely love it!
Ah…. thanks! I’m glad you like it. 🙂
Thanks for sharing some of your story!!! And I absolutely agree… perfection isn’t only a myth, but it’s a damaging ideal that many of us are taught to aspire to. I’m so saddened by the tremendous amount of people (and specifically young women) who beat themselves up continually over their perceived imperfections… and… for WHAT? What purpose does all this self-hating, bullying and shaming actually serve? I actually feel a bit nauseated if I think about it too much. We are – all of us – perfect in our imperfection. If only we could *see* that. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts…. 🙂