Quick Note:  I’m pulling the plug on a plan I had to spend the next couple of posts rambling on some more about my weaknesses and insecurities.  I’ve been in a process of change… and recently, that process gathered some significant speed.  A slap-through-the-face quote that I read kinda says it all:

“Life is short.  Insecurity is a waste of time”.

And the time has come, I think… to finally let some shit go.


Dearest beloved friends, tribe’sters, blog-followers and passers-through…

Some of you (and especially those who know me well) may have noticed that I have been going through somewhat of a metamorphosis of late… and jeez – it has been… intense.

I (honestly) can’t remember the last time I have been so introspective… so questioning… and so utterly obsessed with deconstructing – for once and for all – all of the issues and mindsets that have consistently held me back… for so many, many years.

Since the beginning of this year, I have been extremely inward focused. 

And… by the way… I hadn’t anticipated or planned this intense clean-out of all my emotional baggage… it just kinda happened organically – in a very weird, very unexpected way… beginning with our short film – Starry Night.

Suffice to say… making a film about artists… unlocked something inside of me… and opened up a floodgate of creative outpouring that took me completely by surprise (and even shocked my own mother!)…

AND…

…it opened up a supersized can of worms!

And guys… I truly mean… a SUPERSIZED can of worms!

I have had – lurking inside of me – a vortex of insecurities, limited-mindsets, fears, stereotypes and all kinds of other self-sabotaging bullshittery of the worst possible kind.

And it’s this can of worms… that I have been tackling over the past couple of months.

It’s also why – emotionally – I’ve been all over the place (some of you may have noticed).  I’ve been yo-yo’ing wildly from hopeless whinge-a-thons to elated jigs of giddy joy.

One minute… dreaming big dreams about houses in Cape Town... and the next, woe-is-me’ing about my self-sabotaging, broke-artist-ways…

One minute, lamenting about whether or not I’m a Rrrrrrreal Artist…  then – creating all kinds of art in Durban… and getting my knickers in a very confused knot about what it is that I actually DO

My emotional journey over the past couple of months has resembled one of those heart-rate monitors that you see on TV.  Up… down… up… down…

I have felt like a crazy woman.  I have behaved like one too…

And… finally… (and I’m not just saying this because it’s an Up-Day)… but finally… I am coming out on the other side – and I’m beginning to emerge from my cocoon…

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This is the end of the road for “old” Heather. 

And when I say old-Heather… I’m talking about that deeply insecure, fearful, self-sabotaging, pigeon-holed, walking-stereotype…  with all of her gazillions of self-imposed limitations…

Like:

  • I’m not a real artist… I’m not a real designer… I’m not a real musician… I’m not a real writer… I’m not a real poet… I’m not a real singer… I’m not a real production designer…. etc, etc…
  • I can’t charge people for my work because it’s not “real”.  And because I don’t tick all the right boxes.  And because I don’t have all the right credentials.
  • Art isn’t real work… it’s not a real job.   I feel guilty for even imagining that I could earn a living off my art.
  • My creations aren’t good enough.  Nobody will ever take me seriously.
  • I’m not good enough.  I’m not talented enough.  I’m not confident enough.  I’m not credentialed enough.  I’m not qualified enough.  I’m not experienced enough…. etc, etc, etc….
  • I’ll never be able to get my work OUT there.  I just can’t do it.  Only loud, confident extroverted people will ever be successful.  But since I’m just not built that way... I’m gonna hide myself (and my creations) under a giant rock.
  • What if I disappoint people?  What if everyone misunderstands me?  What if people think that I’m saying things that I’m not saying?
  • If I can’t do it perfectly – then I won’t do it at all.  And that includes art, books, blogs, videos, screenplays… everything.
  • (… and all the other stuff-on-endless-repeat, courtesy of my inner critics)…

Guys…

Over the past couple of months, I have taken every last worm and insecurity from it’s can… examined it, questioned it, understood it, made peace with it… and now it’s time to…

(feel free to sing the tune from Frozen)… “LET IT GO!!”…

I am letting that shit GO!  I am moving forward!!!  And I’m not going to ruminate endlessly… endlessly… endlessly… on all of my perceived flaws, weaknesses and not-enough’ness…

I’m letting it all… GO.

SO… (drum-roll please)… in my next phase… next cycle… next season (call it what you will) – there’s gonna be all kinds of changes on this site (and in my life)… some of which include:

  • I’m going to upload a large gallery of art – all of my creations… without shame and cringeing!!  And I’m going to SELL stuff – also:  without shame and cringeing!!!  And sometimes, I’m going to ask for your help – without shame and cringeing!!!
  • I’m going to extract myself entirely from Facebook and Twitter (because they suck my mojo dry for many reasons)… and communicate primarily through blog posts, e-mail newsletters and Instagram.
  • I’m going to stop grovelling, apologising, adding disclaimers and feeling unworthy because I’m a self-taught (everything).  Instead – I’ll fucking rejoice in my autodidact’edness!
  • I’m gonna add VLOGS… yes – video-BLOGS… to this site – without allowing my perfectionism-issues to rule my life!  They won’t be “perfect” little videos – and that’s fine!!  I am so, so deeply DONE with all that perfectionism rubbish!
  • I’ll show you my ME’ness… my LIFE… in all of it’s imperfect, messy much’ness!  This includes lots of photos and videos of my work… my drawings… myself… my music… my environment… my poetry… my ideas… whether in-progress or complete.
  • I’m gonna stop hiding from you guys!
  • I’m going to stop being so terrified of ASKING… whether for help, shares, love or support.  I might even do another crowdfunding campaign for Book#2 – this time, without the shame.
  • I’m going to do a lot more Explorer-of-the-World posts (with lots of photos)… showing you around my world… my city… the places we travel – making an effort to truly appreciate the simple pleasures of life.
  • I’ll share a lot more ideas, resources & recommendations with you guys (instead of obsessing about whether I’m being too ‘preachy’ or whatever…)
  • And… I’m going to do some commissioned blogging for Perfect Hideaways (and I’ll share those posts with you too).

I’m emerging from the cocoon…

… but I haven’t yet unfurled my wings.  I’m not even sure of what patterns and colours I’ll find when I do… but… I’m certain of this:

I’m not a worm any more.

I’m not.