One of the main reasons why I remain a stereotypically broke artist – is because of the way I think.
I am very proud to say that I have come a long long way when it comes to slowly reprogramming the way I see myself. It has been many years since I have disliked – or hated – the person in the mirror. I’m now very accepting of my HAT’ness these days… I no longer struggle with all the low-self-esteem-self-shaming-body-hatred stuff… I’m at a point in my life where… hey – I kinda dig Hat!
However… when it comes to what I DO…
Well, that’s when the wheels come off the wagon.
I don’t even know where to begin to learn how to value what I DO.
I wrote and illustrated a book! I create mountains of art… illustrations, poems, writing, contemporary art (most of it not shown to others)… I’m an artist busy-as-can-be… busy-busy-bee… with ENDLESS ideas on books I want to write, illustrate and publish… scripts I want to work on… stories I want to tell… songs I want to sing…
… but – in spite of all of the creating going on… in spite of all the things that I’d LOVE to share with the wide world out there… there’s a part of me that self-sabotages. Again and again…
The self-sabotaging mechanism is generally driven by three things: perfectionism issues, my Rrrreal Artist stereotype issues… and even more predominantly – a group of inner voices which continually ask me: “Just who the hell do YOU think YOU are???”…
They are nasty, accusing voices – made up from a combination of memories, influences and inferences from my childhood and my past. The people who said – or insinuated – the things that these voices whisper… are mostly out of my life. And have been out of my life for a long time.
But it’s funny how their voices remain… playing back some kind of stuck record of not-enough’ness.
So I thought I’d illustrate them… and expose them…
And maybe if I confront them – with a different kind of truth… I can begin the slow journey towards finding some value – not just in who I am… but also in what I DO and what I’m able to offer to others…
Here goes:
I’m going to tackle each one of these inner-critic-voices over the next couple of weeks… (you guys have no idea how deep this rabbit-hole goes!)…
PS: If you also have struggles with a nasty inner critic that keeps repeating rancid rubbish… tell me about it in the comments! As a people-watcher – I’m really fascinated by how our beliefs (about ourselves and our abilities) affect the way we function…
Ah yes, Righteous Rita. Nothing gets me going like being forced into someone else’s perception of what a ‘good wife’ should be. Have you ever seen that ‘Good Wife Guide 1955’ picture on Internet – it makes me want to run screaming … towards the person, whilst swinging my battle axe. Someone at my church had suggested several ‘good wife’ books a few years ago. And the one that I bought was terrible! It seemed that everything that was wrong in a marriage, was somehow because the woman did something wrong: if only Batsheba hadn’t been bathing (naked!) on the roof, then David wouldn’t have sinned. My goodness – where is the ‘good husband’ book??? To say that I was upset is putting it mildly. Haha – seems as if I am still a tad riled up about this subject … 😀
Anyway, my inner voices:
I speak (out loud) to myself when looking in the mirror. I mostly use ‘you’ and not ‘I’.
The ‘I’ respond usually either in agreement or arguing.
Mizz Sense and Reason:
Mostly the one saying ‘you’ to the ‘I’ in mirror. Telling me all sorts of logical things. Sometimes a tad nasty.
You need to watch what you eat, otherwise …
My goodness – some of your hair are turning grey!
You can’t have any more sweets, because … (and inevitably, this is where the ‘I’ respond in a whiny voice: but I want more…)
You’ve just made an idiot of yourself in front of lots of people!
You don’t look so good in that dress – maybe you should go on a diet
Hm. You should really start doing your tax – why can’t you do it as soon as tax season opens..?
Almost sound like a split personality … :-/
Mr Matter-Not: “It doesn’t matter.”
Where ‘it’ can be anything: someone disregarded my feelings, people slaughtering dolphins, etc.
But it does matter. I know.
Oh… Anita… Anita… in so MANY ways… I hear you! Bwa-hahaha!!!! THANK-YOU for sharing… I absolutely, 100% *HEAR* you!!! I even understand the inner-arguing.
I have thought (many times in the past)… “Am I going completely mad?”. Trust me, I have LOTS of arguments with myself. Thankfully (and with great, sincere RELIEF) – the inner criticism about my appearance and body have pretty much died down to (almost) nothing. But now… the arguments and heated debates are all about whether what I *DO* or *SAY* or *CREATE* has any value… (and the voices argue and argue and argue).
I also have a version of a Mr Matter Not. I’m still a bit unsure how I feel about him. I’m still trying to make sense of that. Because although yes – as you say – it DOES matter. The next question is: “Can I DO something about it?”… and oftentimes, the answer is “no”… or “very, very little”… which then leads us back to the original problem: “If I can’t FIX it… or CHANGE it… then why worry and obsess about it?”… which then begs the “… does that mean that it doesn’t matter?” question…. back at square 1!! (sigh!)….
Our minds…. such fascinating things, huh???
Imagine what we could accomplish if we could just… I dunno… get OVER all this inner critic shit?? X
I’ve read a marvelous quote yesterday (by Napoleon)
“Let him sleep … for when he wakes, he will move mountains.”
🙂
Love that! Adding it to my quote-journal….! 🙂
This has the makings of a very good book!!! Maybe not autobiographical but a great allegory.
Yes… an illustrated guide of head-voices, delusions, random-ruminations & inner critics!!! Aka: evidence that we are all barking mad! hehehe!!
Ohh that is great idea for your next book!!!
Yes… one of MANY ideas that I have!!! (now if I can just un-confuse myself – I may actually start WORKING on said next book!!)… x
All of the best ones are.
Abso-friggin-lutely, Jen! x
wow I hope you do write this! and include a few blank pages at the end asking for the reader to add their head voices to the book!
Nice idea, Felice! x
Oh my word! Righteous Rita! I had a giant one of those. And she wasn’t even religious, she just had those opinions. How weird is that? Imagine my surprise when I realized I was all those things, meek, servant-hearted, etc., only the REAL way, not the way Righteous Rita meant. And I like being that way, because it’s who I am. Had I been those things in the way Righteous Rita meant, the I would have been miserable. And humble? What about the fact that the word actually means seeing yourself as no more or NO LESS than you actually are? Take that, Rita!
Mervin. Oh yes, Mervin. I know him well. I’d like to kick him in the shins. Or somewhere else I won’t mention. He worked hard to keep me from being an artist. Looking back, it’s such a stupid argument. I mean, somebody has to be an artist, why not me? WHY NOT ME???
I also had Disqualifying Doris. She said stupid things like “It’s nice you think you want to be a photographer, but do you know how many thousands of pictures you’d have to take to get good? Do you have any idea what that would cost??? Where would you get that kind of money?” And “It’s nice you want to audition for that play, but you need to be realistic and know they aren’t going to choose someone as heavy as you. And it’s a shame, really, because you have such a pretty face.” She sort of tag teams with Hometown Harriet. I’d like to kick her in the shins, too. Sigh…
I love when you post these. They make me laugh and think, and reflect. Plus they’re entertaining. ????
Oh Dorean… you are just the BEST…!!! You awesome-person-of-awesome’ness!!! Thanks for sharing – I had a bit of a giggle… because that’s the THING with these toxic critical voices – they’re just so full of ridiculousness and bullshittery!!! It’s not as though they’re truth-tellers… they’re poo-preachers!!! And maybe… the best way to shut them up is first to RECOGNISE them for what they are… as a combination of distorted memories / assumptions / mindsets / lies / expectations… and to purge them out our heads!
I should dream up some kind of Inner Critic weapon… and illustrate that too!
And – omigosh – your Disqualifying Doris – I HAVE to draw her. She’s best buddies with Credential Cruella. But Cruella is more of an uppity snob… and Doris is more like the frenemy who pretends to have your best interests at heart – but then says nasty, poisonous things… “out of love”, of course….
Okay. I’m going upstairs to draw Disqualifying Doris…. hehe!!!
I love the idea of an Inner Critic weapon! And yes, Doris is absolutely a frenemy… Am I the only one that has more of those than actual friends?
Ooo!!! Maybe instead of an Inner Critic weapon we need a superhero that swoops in and speaks truth and joy and hope, thus destroying the lies and distortions of the Inner Critics! And she wears a cape and a tutu! OK, maybe that’s going too far… 🙂
Dorean… I can SEE her! I can SEE that superhero in the tutu and the cape!!! (you have not gone too far… on the contrary, you’re in my head!!!)… At first (late night on Facebook, I was chatting to Felice)… I thought the “weapon” might be some kind of magical gag – that had been stewing in lovely words of kindness & encouragement… but, come to think of it – I think we need to call upon some kind of badass super hero chick!!! And she somehow mutes or silences the nasty-critical-voices… with her awesome secret weapon – of some kind… (gonna definitely chew on that a bit!!!)….LOVE it!
I love that idea!
Ok, so I need these were actual people in my life, and I then picked up the lies and ran with them. I’m doing pretty well T taming them (the inner voice ones) these days, and do my best to avoid the actual people.
I think that’s where many of these inner critics are born… (unfortunately). Many of the “voices” are, in fact, memories of things that were actually said by actual people… or things that were implied or hinted at. I also think there’s a mixture of toxic messages we get from society in general… it’s just a big mish-mash of absorbed … *stuff*… like vomit. The good thing is – that I DO recognise that most of it is lies. But it’s like those head and heart arguments… the one part of me says: “Lies! Lies! Toxic lies! Purge it out! Get rid of it!!!”… but the voices themselves say: “Truth! Truth! You’re just too vain / selfish / deluded / stupid to see it… but it’s all TRUE!!!”….
… ah… the battles we wage in our MIND before anything we actually *DO* in the real world…..
hi, i had to take a moment to find the “f” for facebook icon, but once i hovered the mouse over it it lit up ” comment on facebook” (or something akin to that) and i clicked it. a pop up came up, which asked me to enlarge the pop up to continue, which i did, then it offered me the chance to agree to link to facebook. i clicked agree. so- let’s see where my comment ends up, here, facebook, or both… lmk how it works out. 🙂
Oh yay!!! I see your comment on my actual blog! I was hoping for this to happen. So it works!! Yay!! (Thanks for trying it out for me!)… x
Love your truth and your ART! Thank you x
Thanks, Gem! 🙂