One of the main reasons why I remain a stereotypically broke artist – is because of the way I think.

I am very proud to say that I have come a long long way when it comes to slowly reprogramming the way I see myself.  It has been many years since I have disliked – or hated – the person in the mirror.  I’m now very accepting of my HAT’ness these days… I no longer struggle with all the low-self-esteem-self-shaming-body-hatred stuff… I’m at a point in my life where… hey – I kinda dig Hat!

However… when it comes to what I DO…

Well, that’s when the wheels come off the wagon.

I don’t even know where to begin to learn how to value what I DO.

I wrote and illustrated a book!  I create mountains of art… illustrations, poems, writing, contemporary art (most of it not shown to others)… I’m an artist busy-as-can-be… busy-busy-bee… with ENDLESS ideas on books I want to write, illustrate and publish… scripts I want to work on… stories I want to tell… songs I want to sing…

… but – in spite of all of the creating going on… in spite of all the things that I’d LOVE to share with the wide world out there… there’s a part of me that self-sabotages.  Again and again…

The self-sabotaging mechanism is generally driven by three things:  perfectionism issues, my Rrrreal Artist stereotype issues… and even more predominantly – a group of inner voices which continually ask me:  “Just who the hell do YOU think YOU are???”

They are nasty, accusing voices – made up from a combination of memories, influences and inferences from my childhood and my past.  The people who said – or insinuated – the things that these voices whisper… are mostly out of my life.  And have been out of my life for a long time.

But it’s funny how their voices remain… playing back some kind of stuck record of not-enough’ness.

So I thought I’d illustrate them… and expose them…

And maybe if I confront them – with a different kind of truth… I can begin the slow journey towards finding some value – not just in who I am… but also in what I DO and what I’m able to offer to others…

Here goes:

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I’m going to tackle each one of these inner-critic-voices over the next couple of weeks… (you guys have no idea how deep this rabbit-hole goes!)…

PS:  If you also have struggles with a nasty inner critic that keeps repeating rancid rubbish… tell me about it in the comments!  As a people-watcher – I’m really fascinated by how our beliefs (about ourselves and our abilities) affect the way we function…