There’s a famous quote by Marianne Williamson (often incorrectly attributed to Nelson Mandela) that goes like this (bare with me if you’ve read it before):
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?”
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others
This quote… as seemingly simple as it is… has been something that has caused a LOT of soul-searching (mostly of the painful type).
You see… I was taught to diminish.
And I learned that lesson well. Very, very well.
The lessons began when I was much, much younger (back in the days when I still loved acting, performing on stage and amateur theatre).
Here is a photo of the me from back then (performing and singing on stage as Boy George):
And here’s another one… at my tramp-themed birthday party:
But, I was told:
- “Stop showing off!”
- “Calm down!”
- “Keep quiet”
- “Your jokes aren’t funny. You just look silly”
- “Your cousin (the one in the straw hat on the left of the photo above) is the drama student, not you”.
I got it. I got the message. I stopped acting. I stopped performing. I removed myself from the stage.

And Hat started thinking: “Perhaps they are right. Perhaps I DO need to change. Perhaps I AM ridiculous”.
At the age of 16, I joined a church. A couple of years later, I joined the church worship team… but… there was this shadow of worry that lingered like a toxic fume. Was I performing again? Was I showing-off again? Was it sinful and wrong for me to be seen on the stage? Did I think more highly of myself than I ought? Was I sinning by seeking approval and applause from PEOPLE – instead of from God alone?
So, I told myself again and again that I would NOT perform… or be seen. Instead – my job was to diminish into the background and make sure that God was always first. I used to repeat again and again: “More of you, Lord… less of me… less of me… less of me…”
When you keep telling yourself to diminish… eventually, you DO.

This kind of thing… passed around in Christian circles… reminding each-other NOT to be splendid… NOT to shine… NOT to be extraordinary. But rather… to shrink, to be less, to be small… a quiet little unseen mouse in the corner. But at least (we told ourselves)… we were “right”… we were “humble”… and God-was-pleased.
My mother used to talk of me “hiding behind a pot-plant”. Because that’s exactly what I’d do. If our particular event called for the worship team to be up on a stage… I would try to find myself a shadowy little corner at the back of the stage (preferably next to – or behind – a pot plant)… where I could hide behind my keyboard, keep my head down and put-the-Lord-FIRST.
And I believed that God was pleased by my shrinking. I believed that’s what God wanted. I believed that it was very Good-Christian of me. And that it was the right thing to do.
At the time – I wrote a poem (I get a bit of vomit in my mouth when I recall this short excerpt):
I have no need of compliments, nor people’s vain applaud. This is no proud performance, MY song is for the Lord.
I scorned compliments and applause. And I believed that any kind of performance was proud, sinful and wrong. In my mind, being a Good-Christian meant “becoming invisible”… and “serving from the shadows”.
Church – of course – wasn’t the only source of the Diminishment Doctrine. School… society… the media… they all played a role in teaching me how to hide. As a woman – I quickly learned that my worth would always be determined by my external appearance. So… when I started getting fat… I tarred myself in shame and black baggies… and hid… and disappeared… and lurked in the shadows… and hoped not to be noticed.
The Diminishment Doctrine was authored by a whole concoction of pastors, prefects, parents and ad-execs. Problem is – I lapped it all up – like the good, obedient, eager-to-please little doggie that I was.
By the time 2007 arrived, I had mastered The Art of Diminishment. Mastered it. I had managed to make myself almost completely invisible (except for a tiny tribe of very close people – who saw me)…
And… then…
…somewhere… somehow… I read that blasted Marianne Williamson quote for the first time.
And her words:
“We ask ourselves: “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?“
Which was – like – the story of my life. In fact – I didn’t even ASK myself any more. Obviously I would never aspire to be “brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous”… because those things were wrong… and selfish… and bad… and vain!
And then her next words:
“Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking…..”
Okay. Slap. Through. The. Face.
What?
What was that?
“Who are you NOT to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented fabulous?”
gasp of horror!
“Your playing small does not serve the world”.
I remember initially feeling offended by those words. Smallness… “humility”… serving-from-the-shadows… diminishing… emptying ourselves… being LESS… these were all GOOD things…!
… (weren’t they)…?
And I was forced to ask myself this inevitable (very, very, very, VERY uncomfortable) question:
“If I truly believe that being small and diminishing has – in some way – served the world… or been a good thing… or helped others… or benefited humankind (or God) in some way… HOW might this have happened? Can I think of a single example of how my hiding and diminishing has been helpful or good for ANYONE?…. Anyone at all….?”
Of course…
I had to face the ugly truth.
WHAT had my decades of diminishment, invisibility and shrinking accomplished?
NOTHING.
No – wait – not only had it not accomplished anything… not only had it NOT served or helped anybody in any situation… but – instead it had wreaked an astonishing path of destruction.
My self-esteem?… my health?… my sense of worth?… in absolute tatters. My talents and gifts (that I’d potentially be able to use to help or serve others?)… all packed away in the dark, dusty corners of my mind… lest I be guilty of “selfish ambition” or “proud performance” or “vanity” by unpacking those talents and exploring ways to share them with others.
Not to mention the utter hypocrisy… of parenting from the shadowy places of diminishment.
“You’re beautiful, valuable and acceptable – exactly as you are!” I’d tell my daughter (whilst believing myself to be ugly and worthless).
“Follow your dreams!” I’d encourage my kids (whilst simultaneously refusing to give myself permission to follow mine).
Well. I’m done.
Done, done… DONE.
I’ve been done with the diminishment doctrine for a long time now (the journey began in 2007 – and continues still).
But today – I was reminded – once again – of how this toxic poison regularly tries to sneak back into my life… and especially when I’m in vulnerable-mode (as mentioned in the previous post)… and even MORE especially when I’m asking people to back my Big Dream.
When stuff like this happens, I’m bombarded with Diminishment Doctrine thoughts like:
- “Who do you think you are, Heather Costaras?”
- “Do you think you’re so special? Do you think you’re so talented? Well – you’re NOT! You should just leave the illustrations to the REAL Artists out there”.
- “What right do you have to think you can publish a book? You’re not a REAL writer! You’re not a REAL singer! You should just give up this crazy idea… and come back to the shadows. It’s where you belong”.
- “You are being VAIN, PROUD and SELFISH!”
- “Why do you think that anybody gives a damn about your stupid book and your stupid story!? You’re not some celebrity! You’re not important! You’re just some bland mother-of-two from the suburbs of Johannesburg. Nobody gives a shit about YOUR story, Heather. Pack this crazy-stupid dream AWAY! You’re just making a fool of yourself.”
But… you know what?
I’m DONE with diminishing, shrinking, playing-small, hiding and making myself invisible.
The time has come to (finally)… SHINE.
As we are ALL meant to do. And that nasty little voice can shout, scream and tantrum all it wants.
But… nonetheless… I’m going to shine. And I hope that you will too. And – as we let our own light shine… we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.
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To end off – here’s 3 recent – and very Hattish photos from our Mad-Hat tea-party (shot by my very dear friend, Tracey Kelsey):
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If you’re based in Joburg and you’d like to hear me TELL… and SING… this story (about shining)…with added artwork, photos, slides and what-not… come along to Fisherman’s Village at 6pm on Saturday the 27th June. There will be comfy couches and a roaring fire. Bring some cash if you want to buy coffee, cakes or hot, freshly prepared jaffles. 🙂
And – if you’d like to pre-order your signed, first-edition copy of “How Heather got her HAT’ness back” – click here. I only have 5 more days to raise about $2000… in order to get the book printed & distributed. This is scary & terrifying… and a huge part of me yearns to hide myself… and my dream… from all of you. But another (much more stubborn) part of me says: “No! I will *DO* this thing. I will not chicken out!” So please bare with me. I’m gonna promote the shit out of this crowdfunding campaign until it closes on Monday the 29th. After that, I’ll return to *normal* blog-posts. x
Love it, Heatha….and love you and love your singing and love your worship and love your art and love your heart. Missssss you!
Miss you too, Peg-a-tha… it’s been TOO many years! And Texas is… y’know… kinda FAR! x
Heather you have a Beautiful Soul that is SHINING (had to delete the “just” word there) so BRIGHTLY. You Go girl. Sorry I am anowehre near JOburg, but am with you there in spirit. Blessings Joy x
Thanks so much, Joy. I appreciate your kind words!…. (and I had a giggle about the deleting the *just* word)… hehe!
Love this. Stunning pics. You are a LIGHT! Welcome back to HAT.
Thank-you, Jacqueline… and thanks for the contribution on Indiegogo and also for the Twitter-share! 🙂 I am VERY happy to be back-to-Hat… and with everything that entails. *hug!!*…
Heather, you are an extraordinary shining star! Can’t wait to read your book! Keep doing such a wonderful job that you already do. Lots of love from London xxx
Thanks a mil! I appreciate your encouragement and support. I often wonder (when I post these responses to blog commenters) whether it seems as though I’m just being *polite* with my typed responses… but – in truth – I really *AM* so deeply grateful to you – and to everyone else – who has offered their encouragement, kind words and support! Have a lovely day! X
It is amazing for me to read that, because I have gone through a very similar thing, believing for years that I need to be humble and downplay my talents and hide in the shadows, because I thought that if I’m good at something and somebody else is not, then I’m hurting them by being better, and that being good at something is the same thing as being proud and arrogant. It was only recently that I realized that this Art of Diminishing was keeping me from being my true self and offering people the best of me. Those around me deserve the best of me, not the mediocre or the starved me, and I deserve the best of me too! And I don’t believe God wants us to be a shadows of ourselves either – He created us, He gave us all those gifts, so why wouldn’t He want us to nourish them and grow through them? I also understand humility differently now – it’s not about making yourself smaller and weaker than others, but about being open to everyone else’s unique beauty, gifts and power, and appreciating everybody for who they are. This way we can stay equal, look each other in the eyes and see each other’s inner beauty, which may inspire both of us to grow and shine even more and to share that light with everyone around. Thank you for that post, Heather, it gave a boost to my attempts to shine 🙂
Spot-on, Kate!!! I think this is a familiar path for so many of us… actually. And especially women. And I love what you said about appreciating everyone for their uniqueness and who *they* are. You are speaking my language!!! As I’ve been like a stuck-record on this blog… time and time again… I *LOVE* and celebrate diversity!!! I LOVE that we are all so different… and yet – all so valuable and beautiful and how our gifts and talents are ALL needed and necessary! I think our strengths are to be celebrated… and never packed away and a dark, mouldy corner to rot! My book ends with these words: “Just be the best YOU… and I’ll be the best ME”. And I think – in a nutshell – that’s my ethos. That we all have the courage to be seen for who we truly ARE… and be the best versions of ourselves! X
♫ Shine on you crazy diamond!! ♫
Good luck with the gig this weekend 🙂 xx
Thanks, Rach!!! x
Heather, I’m so glad I decided to continue following you (I almost unsubscribed a couple of times because you pi**ed me off; i.e. hit a nerve/made me think/made me feel uncomfortable LOL) I don’t often comment but you help me lots….just wanted you to know.x
Thanks, Melanie! I’m glad you stuck around… and also – if you disagree with stuff I write – feel free to add your voice to the conversation. I enjoy hearing perspectives that are different to mine… and sometimes, people give me really interesting food-for-thought – or different angles to consider – and I often think: “Hmmmm…. I never thought of it THAT way before….” I’m so glad you stayed though…. and I’m so glad you commented too! Thanks for connecting! X
This amazing post tells my story and the story of so many people that I know. Beautifully said and much appreciated. Thank you so much. A friend in NZ shared this post.
Thanks, Rob. Sadly – I think it’s an all-too-familiar story. And the more I think about how prevalent it is… and how wide-spread the belief that we need to shrink / diminish / disappear is.. the crosser I get. I think it’s such an insidious message (the pressure to “diminish!”)… and I think it’s also so damaging – not only to ourselves (as individuals) but also to the world at large… the world that misses out on our beautiful gifts… the world that misses out on our “shining” and sharing of ourselves. Anyway – I’m now going to take a sip of coffee and calm down. I can deal calmly with sharing my OWN story about the diminishment-thing… but when I read the stories of OTHERS who have experienced the same (whether the stories here on this comment thread – or the stories that have arrived in my inbox)… I start to feel a slow, indignant RAGE start to boil up deep inside of me…. (rage-against-the-machine?) Ok. I’m rambling… and I need to respond to some other e-mails and then start my day…. but THANKS, Rob, for commenting. 🙂
Just found you Heather… so very impressed… I also was ‘taught’ to be quiet, don’t show off, your too fat to be out front… blah blah blah… This thinking belonged/belongs to an era too, I honestly believe Women were doctrined to be submissive[humbly obedient] – well it was so in my case… Man, did I set the cats among the pigeons – being pulled back every so often, only to rise again like the proverbial phoenix… I still have issues of self-worth every so often but as the years move on they are much easier to power on through to regain my authentic self again… Wishing you all the best on your never-ending creative joyful journey… <3
Thanks so much for that, connecting and sharing a bit of your story, Bethel. I’m so pleased to hear that you’ve risen like the proverbial phoenix above all that bullshittery! “Too fat to be out front” (!!??!)…. a big, giant, rude-sounding raspberry to such a ridiculous idea! And I’m GLAD you know that now too! I think MOST of the people I know (and especially women) have issues regarding self-worth… and we’re all in different stages of the journey – trying to work through those “lesser” feelings… in the best way we know how. I have come a LONG way (a huge relief and cause for celebration) – but I have – by no means – *arrived*. It’s just that I am far more AWARE now (and I think you are too)… of the messages that our toxic culture tells about what supposedly defines our worth… and when we’re aware – we’re able to (as you say) “power on through to regain our authentic selves”. But I think it begins with an awareness… a realisation that something is very wrong… what we were *taught*… was VERY wrong. For me (and very possibly for you as well)… that was the beginning of my journey towards change. THANKS again, Bethel x