For those of you who feel trapped (and yes, I’m aware that not everyone feels trapped)… but for those of you who DO feel trapped.
This post is for you.
I want to instil a bit of hope. (Hopefully).
There is HOPE for those who feel trapped in a place of self-loathing, low self-esteem and body-hatred.
A couple of years ago… this is what life was like: I hated myself. There is no other nice way to put it. My self-hatred was so extreme, I would self-abuse. I believed that I needed to be punished. I believed that I needed to hurt… because I deserved that hurt… I deserved that punishment because I was bad, bad, bad… BAD. Here’s how I punished and self-abused:
- I binged. And binged. And binged some more. Slabs of chocolates, bags of chips, 3-cheese-pizzas, tins of coke, anything and everything I could stuff down my throat in an attempt to numb or anaesthetise myself against the disappointment I felt about myself – and about the state of my life.
- Bingeing (naturally) only brought on extra large doses of shame about how “weak” and how “pathetic” I supposedly was. So I would cut myself (mostly my forearms or my stomach)… or I would pull out the hair on top of my head (one by one)… or I would take a wooden baton and beat bruises into my own legs whilst repeating “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”.
- I so desperately hated my body and my appearance – that I lost all interest in taking care of myself. I wore baggy, faded tracksuit pants and old T-shirts. I never bothered with hair or make-up… I always used to think: “What’s the use?”. I couldn’t even raise my eyes to look at my own reflection in the bathroom mirror when I brushed my teeth in the morning.
Extreme? Yes it was.
It’s hard for me to dwell on the memories of that time. They’re not pretty memories.
Here is a photo of me during a really shitty season of my life (at the time – I was cutting):
And here’s a photo taken a couple of years later. I wasn’t cutting any more… but I was still bingeing and filled with feelings of shame and self-loathing:
But there’s hope!!!! Change is possible.
Today… I can honestly say… that I no longer hate myself. I like the person I see in the mirror (and I’m not just talking physically… I’m saying that I like the “me” that I greet in the morning)… and I’m slowly starting to learn to even LOVE the person I see in the mirror (baby steps).
- I haven’t binged in 3 and a half years.
- I haven’t cut, beat, plucked-myself-bald… since early 1999.
- I greet myself with a genuine, self-loving mirror-smile in the morning. I’m not ashamed to look myself in the eye.
- I no longer shame my body.
- I’m not afraid of wearing bright, colourful clothes… of celebrating my me-ness (I even cut my hair short and dyed it pink a while back)
- I no longer desperately need or seek the approval of others. If I want to swim in the sea with my kids… then I swim in the sea with my kids. I no longer fret about irrelevant things like fatness / cellulite / big bum and not wanting to appear in public in a swimsuit. Those days are OVER. I don’t give a damn about whether other people *approve* of me – or my body – (or not).
Here is an illustration that I have created for my book, “How Heather got her HAT’ness back”.
The single most important decision that I made with regards to my journey towards inner-healing… was when I decided to love and respect myself – exactly as I was!!
This was a HUGE departure from my shoot-myself-in-the-foot mentality of the previous 25 years… which was:
- “I will only like myself when I’m thin”…
- “I will only nurture myself and treat myself with respect when I’m thin – because right now, I’m too fat and revolting to *deserve* love and respect”.
- “I will only buy myself nice clothes when I’m thin. But right now, I’m shameful and I need to hide… so I will cover my body with black, baggy clothes and hope that nobody will notice me”
- “I will only pamper myself with treats like trips to the spa, pedicures and new hair-do’s when I’m thin. Because – at this size – what’s the point? You can’t disguise an ugly thing”
You can probably imagine how well that worked out for me… (insert sarcastic snort here)
To cut a (long) story short… when I decided that I was going to choose self-love and self-care over body-hatred, fat-shaming and self-abuse… it was the beginning of my journey towards healing.
You can not hate and shame yourself into change. It doesn’t work. It never works.
Change only came when I slowly started adjusting my toxic attitude. Change only came when I slowly learned to stop hating and shaming myself – and my body. Change only came when I began to believe (a slow journey – by the way)… that perhaps my weight didn’t determine my worth… and perhaps I was worthy of love and respect exactly as I was (flaws, fat and all)…! Love and respect by others – sure… but it had to begin with love and respect by ME.
Here’s a recent photo / artwork of me (also going in the book)…
I’m not “perfect” (in fact, I have completely disentangled myself from the very idea of “perfection”). The journey towards healing and self-love continues. I still have feel-crappy days… and shroud-myself-in-black-baggies days… and food remains my Kryptonite. But, in spite of those things, I’m happy-to-be-Hat. I wear bright colours. I pink up my hair. I don’t skulk along in the shadows any more. I don’t hide any more. I’m not ashamed any more. I have learned to embrace my uniqueness… my HAT’ness… my quirks… and yes – even my flaws!
So much wonderful change has taken place… but I haven’t “arrived”. Nobody has. The journey continues – and I’m more than willing to walk alongside anyone who is still struggling with the issues (mentioned above) that I struggled with for such a long time. Feel free to e-mail me and send me your story…. firstname.lastname@example.org
Perhaps we can learn from one another as we journey together?
And finally: maybe low self-esteem, eating disorders and body-shaming is not your thing… So – here’s another area where you may feel trapped… where (I can assure you)… there is HOPE:
There is HOPE for those who feel trapped in shitty, life-sucking jobs that they hate! There is HOPE for those who feel trapped by debt.
(But I’ll discuss that in a later post!) 🙂