I’m going to post a video.

But before you watch this video… I need you to understand the back-story behind the video.

I created the video in 2009 as a part of a social upliftment project that I had embarked upon called Tapestry of Dreams.

The video was created for a show that we produced – and basically – I was trying to encourage the audience (and myself) to escape One-Day-When Land… and to give ourselves permission to live – in the “now”… and not continually put life on hold… and wait, wait, wait…. until all kinds of magical circumstances fell into place… (in my case, being thin)… until we gave ourselves permission to actually DO the things we wanted to do with our lives.

The video – in a sense – was a leap of faith for me.  It was my way of putting myself out there… of exposing my favourite One-Day-When excuse… and it was also my way of cutting off any escape routes or excuses to bolt  (Quick Heads Up:  I’m doing the exact same thing with this post… and you’ll understand why when you read the paragraph at the bottom).

Because…

…if I was going to make a very vulnerable, public video about my One-Day-When excuses… and if I was going to end the video by saying:  “No!  I have the right to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous… exactly as I am… right now!”

Then… by God… I HAD TO actually DO what I said I would do.

I had to pursue my goals and dreams… regardless of my weight… regardless of my terrible self-esteem… regardless of my body-shame…

… and I had to learn to love myself – exactly as I was… instead of waiting … and waiting… and waiting… for the ONE DAY… WHEN… I got thin.

So – that’s what I did.

I stopped waiting to start living.

And at that show – in 2009… I got up on that stage, in front of all those people… (in spite of my body-embarrassment)… and I sung a song that I had composed which was titled:  “I want to shine” (it was the first time I had sung on stage in many years).

Here’s a photo:

tod show

And… after that show – from then… until now… I have slowly, steadily and very deliberately… learned to un-hate myself… and to treat myself and my body with the love and respect it deserves… and to actively pursue my dreams and the life I want (regardless of my addictions and failings).

YES… the “me” in the video below is significantly fatter than the “me” of today (about 30 kilograms… more-or-less).

But I don’t just want you to focus on the weight.  Please.

I don’t want the video to be about the weight… because I also don’t want to give anyone the idea that this journey is all about weight-loss… or that Fat-Me was somehow “bad” or “disgusting”… and that Current-Me is somehow more acceptable or worthy than Fat-Me.

Because I was always worthy.

But – for the longest time – I just didn’t realise it.

I had bought into the bullshit lie (perpetuated by our toxic society) that my worth… or value… as a human being… and, especially as a woman – was based on my weight and my external appearance.

The reason I’m showing this video is NOT so I can say:  “Hey!  Look how much weight I lost!  Look how disgusting that person in the video was… I’m sure glad I’m not her anymore!”

The reason I’m showing this video is – instead – to say… how very proud I am of (the me) in that video.

That person in the video?  I’m proud of her bravery… I’m proud of her willingness to be vulnerable… and I’m proud that she took the steps towards deliberate living and self-love… in spite of her insecurities and struggles.

That “Me” in the video set me on a beautiful journey… that continues to this day.  And the (numerous) wonderful changes that have happened in my life since 2009 – can be attributed to “that” me… when she decided to stop waiting to start living.

I am still reaping the rewards of that choice.

So… without further ado – here’s the video:

Okay.  I’m going.  I need a hot bath….and Nutella.

Hugs & love to all…. X