Perhaps you can help me out with a question that I’m struggling to answer.
I’m trying to figure out… how to “Speak my Truth”… whether on this blog… or in my books and courses… or art… of life in general… but I’m not entirely sure what speaking my truth actually means.
I’m probably over thinking again… but perhaps you can help me understand this process better.
Let me tell you how it started.
A while back, I read this quote on the Free Your Kids Facebook Page:
“You have wonderful ideas. Ideas change the world and implementing them in your own life is a step to a better tomorrow. But consider the possibility of opening your mouth and letting your message flow. You may be mocked. They may talk about you behind your back. Eyes will be rolled. But you’re planting seeds.
Seeds don’t germinate immediately. The first time any of us was exposed to a new idea, a new way, a different paradigm, we probably rejected it out of hand. But the seed had been planted. Weeks, months, even years later, we encountered that idea again. And it didn’t seem as freaky. Our brains had acclimated to the new information. After further exposure, we began independent research. The idea began to seem less insane. It seemed, dare I say, almost plausible.
Plant those seeds. You may never see them bloom. You may never see those lovely flowers. You may never sit in that garden yourself. But maybe your children or grandchildren will. We change the world by changing one mind at a time. By touching one heart at a time. By planting one seed at a time”.
Now… I must confess… when I first read this, I loved it.
I resonated with the process that the quote described… how change came gradually.
Let me use the whole homeschooling / unschooling thing as a case-in-point.
Not too long ago, I was the parent who strongly believed that homeschooling was only for paranoid, fearful, uber-religious people. And I didn’t even know that there was such a thing as “unschooling” (and I would have been horrified if I did know).
When Morgan was small, I was firm and resolute in my beliefs: Morgan would go to public school… just as I had… just as my parents had… just as everyone else had.
But… somewhere along the line, a seed was planted – and I can’t even tell you exactly where. It could have been the shitty pre-school she attended. It could have been the fact that “normal school” just seemed to make less and less sense. It could have been the fact that I had utterly resented my own schooling – and I started questioning whether school had actually taught me anything (other than the basics of reading and counting).
It could have been a conversation with somebody. It could have been the fact that I was disturbed by how much Morgan was conforming… and trying so hard to “fit in” with other children at her pre-school. It could have been the stupid rules she began parrot-fashioning…
Changing my mind about the schooling thing was a process. A slow process. There was lots of reading… research… and deep, intense discussions with Nick – and eventually, other families… who had taken that route.
Okay…
But here’s the thing that… I dunno… eats at me a bit (about the quote above)…
Did somebody else plant the seed that led to me educating my kids differently? Was it a person (like a persistent evangelist who keeps sticking “Repent!” flyers on our gate) that planted-the-seed that eventually convinced me to reconsider my outlook on school?
I don’t know. I have my doubts.
I don’t know if anybody planted a seed… and besides, the whole seed-planting thing sounds a bit creepy to me. It reminds me of the days when I was a dogmatic Christian and believed I was “Right”… and everyone else was “Wrong”. Back then, I was big on evangelising… and believed that we could “convert” people – or change their minds (usually using fear as a weapon: “Where will YOU go when you die?” was a firm favourite).
“If people are only good because they fear punishment and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed” – Albert Einstein
Let’s just say that the Heather of today isn’t particularly enamoured with the idea of converting people… or convincing people… or trying to change the minds of people.
Actually – I’m not even sure whether it’s possible for me to change someone else’s mind…
I think people change their own minds… I don’t think their minds are changed *for* them by someone else.
So… while I am rather reluctant to “plant seeds”… or “change people’s minds”… I still think that there is a place – and a need – for connecting… and discussing… and questioning… and challenging… and inspiring.
And that’s what I’m interested in.
When Nick and I first took the big step of NOT enrolling our daughter into Grade 1… it was a scary – and lonely – place to be.
All of our friends either had children in school… or they were busy enrolling their kids in school. We didn’t have a “tribe” of fellow homeschoolers (and definitely not any unschoolers!)… and many, many times – I would question our decision… and Nick and I would ask each other: “Are we sure this is the right thing? Have we gone barking mad? Are we going to regret this further on down the line? Are we damaging Morgan by not sending her to school?”…
It was lonely. It was scary.
But… what a blissful, beautiful relief it was… to finally connect with other people (initially online connections which gradually turned into face-to-face meetings and friendships).
What a blissful relief to know this: WE ARE NOT ALONE!
There are others out there who feel the same way as us! There are others out there who are walking the same path! We’re not the only people doing this… in fact, there is a massive (and rapidly growing) movement of people… all over the world… who are re-thinking “school”… and questioning what it means to “educate” – or to be “educated”…
And what a relief it was… to discover the writings of John Holt, John Taylor Gatto (who write the kind of stuff that resonates so strongly with me) … and even the less hardcore people like Ken Robinson… or Seth Godin.
And what a relief it was to plug into a network of unschooled adults – and to watch talks like this one… which simply reaffirmed that we were okay… that we were on a path best suited for us… and that many others were walking that path too.
Part of the reason why I blog… is because I seek those kinds of connections.
And here’s the thing… I don’t just seek out connections for *me*… but I would also like to offer some inspiration and encouragement for those who still feel as though they’re walking the lonely road. I want to raise my hand and say: “Hey! You’re not alone! You’re not crazy!”…
And I can offer that place of understanding… I guess… for anyone who walks an unconventional road – who lives differently in some way.
I get the path less taken.
I understand what it’s like to live differently… and to feel so at odds with the world… and out of place… diagonally parked in a parallel universe…
And if I can be part of somebody’s tribe… and if I can offer a little space of encouragement and inspiration… for those who march to the beat of a different drum… well, let’s just say… that will make me very happy.
But… back to the “preaching” question.
I’m trying to understand where the line is drawn – as far as my honesty is concerned. I mean – how much am I really allowed to share on this blog… before I start pissing people off and sounding all “preachy” as though I’m trying to “plant seeds”… or force some kind of unwelcome indoctrination down someone’s throat?
How much do I share about my thoughts on education… without coming off as angry… and condemning… (of the choices of others)…?
How much do I rant about the Rat Race… without making somebody (who works in a corporate job and negotiates the traffic every day) feel… I dunno… unwelcome… here?
How do I… “Speak My Truth”… without shaming the choices of others?
Perhaps the very wise Brené Brown has some additional insight in her book “Daring Greatly” (the chapter is about parenting… but try to read the following quote with a broader perspective in mind):
“When you listen to conversations, or read books and blogs, about controversial and/or divisive issues in parenting, like how and where women labour, circumcision, vaccinations, co-sleeping, feeding, etc., what you hear is shame and what you see is hurt. Deep hurt. You see people – mostly mothers – engaging in the exact same behaviours that I earlier defined as shaming: name-calling, put-downs and bullying.
Here’s what I’ve come to believe about these behaviours: You can’t claim to care about the welfare of children if you’re shaming other parents for the choices they’re making. Those are mutually exclusive behaviours and they create a huge values gap. Yes, most of us (myself included) have strong opinions on every one of those topics, but if we really care about the broader welfare of children, our job is to make choices that are aligned with our values and support other parents who are doing the same. Our job is also to tend to our own worthiness. When we feel good about the choices we’re making and when we’re engaging with the world from a place of worthiness rather than scarcity, we feel no need to judge and attack.
It’s easy to put up a straw man in this argument and say, “So, we’re just supposed to ignore parents who are abusing their children?” Fact: that someone is making different choices from us doesn’t in itself constitute abuse. If there’s real abuse happening, by all means, call the police. If not, we shouldn’t call it abuse. As a social worker who spent a year interning at Child Protective Services, I have little tolerance for debates that casually use the terms abuse or neglect to scare or belittle parents who are simply doing things that we judge as wrong, different or bad”
Although Brene is talking about parenting in the quote above, I think that what she says applies to many situations.
I like the part where she says that “our job is to make choices that are aligned with our values and to support (others) who are doing the same”. But, it’s a fine line… I think. I want a space to be really honest about how I feel (about a number of topics)… and sometimes, honesty involves a rant! – but, at the same time, I don’t want those rants to alienate… or shame… people who believe differently to me.
But… that said… I also don’t want to be so ridiculously watered-down and insipid… because I’m trying so desperately hard not to offend others or hurt their feelings!
“I cannot give you a surefire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody, all the time” – Herbert Bayard
Where is the line drawn?
Is there a line?
Perhaps a quote by Socrates is in order:
“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new”
But… then again… it takes me right back to the first question: IS it my goal to “change” people? Is it my goal to “change” the world? Is it my goal to “change” people’s minds?
Or is my goal to connect with… encourage… inspire… and challenge?
And if so – how do I do that whilst remaining true to myself… but without hurting, shaming or alienating others??
Thoughts???
I think subliminally sometimes in your posts you write trying to justify what you guys are doing, to a specific few people in your audience, hoping your message will get across to them. You don’t need to do that! No amount of posts or explaining will ever change these people’s minds. You just need to believe in your heart that you are doing the right thing! (and I think you do)
Life for us got much simpler when we decided to stop doing those posts.
Write about what you’re doing, where you’re going, what cool things you guys discovered! How the kids responded etc. For us reading your blog, you are preaching to the choir!!
Mike
world-schooling our 3 kids since Jan 2011
I think you’re right, Mike. I know that… in my head… I have an *audience* – a few people whom I know read this blog (a few family members… a few people from the Church-Days… etc) – and I probably try to justify our decisions more than what I should. I probably try to *convince* them – more than I should. And yes – we do believe in our heart that we’re doing the right thing for our family – but there’s often a little niggling voice that feels I ought to explain myself… so that people don’t take offence… or so that people *GET* what we’re doing (and why).
I have this… need… to be *got* – to be understood (even if not agreed with). I HATE being misunderstood. I HATE it when people make assumptions about what we’re doing – and get it so, so wrong. I deeply, deeply hate it. But – at the same time, I realise that I can’t focus all my attention on trying to get people to *get* me. Waste of time… (and tremendously draining)!
So yes… you’re right (and thank-you)!
You probably already know that your need to be understood can never be fulfilled. There is a really great book called “The Four Agreements” that you might have heard of that you can find on Amazon. It will cure your need to be understood – specifically by a) not taking anything personally and b) not making any assumptions. It’s a quick read. You can look up a summary in google as well.
All the best 🙂
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Thanks for the book recommendation…. and for that brilliant quote! I need to stick that up on the corner of my computer screen… and REMIND myself of it constantly! 🙂
Cant give you any answers. Don’t know if you are looking for them, or if you are looking for like minded people who feel the same way you do and ask those same questions.
Not looking for “answers”… just looking for feedback. Trying to figure out how honest people would like me to be… whether I should tread-more-lightly around certain topics – or just throw caution to the wind and just “be”…
I’m ruminating again.
I grappled with exactly this myself recently and concluded that I just needed to be honest in what I was saying and not water it down.
This is not like the steady stream of missionaries disturbing us every single day at home (wish they would disappear!) trying to save our souls, because I am not on a mission to ‘save’ or convert anyone – I blog simply in the hopes that something that I have to say will resonate with a few people and maybe make them feel like they are not alone. If that means sometime that it gives some courage or information to enable people to make a decision, great, but also not a problem if it doesn’t.
I think that I and probably most of your readers are already converts, or close to. You don’t need to convert us – we are looking for that sense of community, and maybe a little more inspiration or sometimes some assurance that others are on the same path we are and that all requires honesty in your posts – sharing the ups and the downs, the hopes and the fears.
For my 2 cents, you have nothing to justify – show them why through example.
Thanks for the feedback, David. I agree with what you’re saying and yes, I blog for the same reasons… not to “convert” – but rather to CONNECT with those who resonate. And you’re right, I really need to re-think my automatic, knee-jerk need to “justify” or “explain” myself.
Not everyone is going to *get* this journey… and I need to be okay with that.
Great post! I’ve wrestled with the same questions. Where is the line between authenticity and sensitivity? It is a tough balance. I resonate with your mindset of not needing to convince anyone or change their minds, but wanting to connect with others, share with each other, and grow together. I appreciate reading posts about your inner dialogue, even more than I do about traveling and homeschool. Others may prefer your other posts. I tend to write about both on my blog. And often, the travel posts become somewhat of a chore, but I love writing about these more philosophical topics. I feel like they reach deeper to my core somehow, and maybe have greater power to connect. I believe that the more honest and vulnerable we are, the more we open ourselves up to be touched in our humanity, and to be known, seen, and “got” for who we are. And that is deeply rewarding. But there is a balance, because if we rant and rage and blame and scream, it will often turn away those we so deeply want to connect with. I don’t have the answer on balance, but I’m testing the waters and monitoring the results to hopefully find a border I’m comfortable with. Good luck to you, too! Thank you for sharing yourself with us. 🙂
Brandon, thank-you so much for your thoughtful response. And I agree 100% with everything you’ve written. I think I’m in a similar boat to you… and, likewise, I have always enjoyed the deep, meaty posts on your blog. The travel stuff is interesting… but I always prefer your philosophical posts.
I think it’s partly because I find change so interesting. You and Jennifer both come from a very religious background… and so do I. In your case, it was the LDS church… for us, it was pentecostal and charismatic Christianity.
Over the course of the years… we have changed our opinions and perspectives DRASTICALLY… as have you. And I’m always fascinated by that topic of change… and why some folks are so open (to change)… and others are so closed to the idea of it.
Because I grapple with these questions (and many, many others) – I tend to gravitate towards blog posts where like-minded thinkers and questioners explore these… (and other) topics. It helps me get a better perspective on things…
I am a fan of honesty and vulnerability…. but it is also a scary place. I do have that deep yearning to be *got*… and when I AM *got*, it is a wonderful, freeing feeling. On the other side of the coin, when people misunderstand me (or my motives)… I get deeply, DEEPLY frustrated – and I start questioning whether (vulnerability and openness) is worth it… or whether it’s just intensely draining.
I have both good and bad days in that regard… and I’m still questioning (a LOT).
Again…. thanks for your lovely response… and for your many deep, meaty blog posts. They really help me to *chew* on a number of thoughts and ideas and get to grips with this Journey called Life.
In the past I’ve tried to talk about my choices, and it always seems to back fire in some way.
For example, I mentioned that I don’t medicate (I see no reason to medicate) my kids on the autism spectrum. I choose not to take medication myself.
Well, I had a woman jumping down my throat vigorously defending her right to medicate her son and implying it was bad parenting not to…
I felt a need to tell her I didn’t really care. I wanted to share what worked for us, for our family, in our situation, and hoped others would take away from that sharing whatever it was they needed or found useful.
IF you are being authentic about yourself by sharing how your family lives life, and how you feel about it, WITHOUT condemning others who choose differently, then that feeling of condemnation or judgement is really a reflection on them.
I agree… and it is tricky. I have found that people tend to get defensive about their choices… and maybe I do too. I’ve been asking myself whether I react like that… do I get all defensive about MY beliefs and MY choices when in the company of somebody who chooses to live differently to me? I don’t think I do. I think I’m an accepting person… and I definitely love diversity and don’t need – or want – everyone else to be like me, or to believe like me. But still… there’s often (although not always) a defensive response. Maybe this is just a natural, human way to respond to something that is… different… or out of the ordinary… or what makes us feel a bit uncomfortable. I read a great quote by Anthony Hopkins: “My philosophy is: It’s none of my business what people say of me and think of me. I am what I am and I do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. And it makes life so much easier”. Indeed… I think I should stick that quote up somewhere – and recite it daily! 🙂 Thanks for responding, Amanda.