Yes… I know… I haven’t blogged in a while.
First – it was because I was feeling depressed about being back in Joburg after our awesome 6 weeks on the road…
Then, it was because I was even MORE depressed because our plan to leave in August has been pushed forward to (gulp!)… November!!
(This is because Nick’s movie-editing skills are in great demand – and yes, I’m aware that this is a good thing. And also – the Tax Man took a big bite out of our travel budget which, depending on the way you look at it, isn’t such a good thing).
Once I made peace with staying in Joburg a while longer, I started fretting and stressing about what I’m supposed to be DOING with my life (apart from our dreams and plans as a family – what about my personal dreams and plans?).
Too many ideas… too little clarity (nothing new).
For a while, I decided that I was barking-mad… with an extreme case of Adult Attention Deficit Disorder… and needed very large doses of Ritalin to control my over-active mind.
I oscillated wildly between manic & exited (thanks to yet another new idea)… to wallowing in the doldrums for days (after that “amazing” idea had suddenly become significantly less interesting to my child-like, easily-bored mind!). Then – of course – there would be a brand NEW… shining… idea… and I’d be all excited again.
Pity my poor, long-suffering husband! The last time I came bouncing in to his studio – exuberantly sharing my latest NEW idea… he simply raised a weary eyebrow in my direction. I think he’d given up trying to appear enthusiastic or encouraging. It’s like living with a life-long yo-yo dieter… “this time” they’re going to get it right… “this time” they’ve found The Answer… “this time” they’re going to lose all the weight – and keep it off… (ask me – I’m the life-long yo-yo dieter!)
My life seems to be one long, embarrassing journey of “this time”… (and sometimes I get it right).
But for all the endless ideas (discarded after a day or two)… and the countless half-completed projects – I seem to have remained remarkably optimistic in spite of it all. One would think that after taking stock – and counting how many ideas and projects I have either discarded (or failed to complete) over the years…. (and there are many) – that I would be getting a bit despondent with this whole “New Idea” thing. Surely – I should be thinking: “Why even bother with new ideas? It’s not like I finish many of them. Most of the time – they get as far as my brain… and my notebooks… and the ear of my husband, sister or mother… before they wither prematurely and die a disheartening death…
Surely this should depress me tremendously (and it does!)… but no mind, as soon as the NEW idea germinates in my brain (and it always, always does) – my depression is forgotten and flood of enthusiasm washes away my feelings of failure.
This is how it has been for my whole life.
So… after trying (unsuccessfully) to get my hands on some Ritalin… I decided to try a different route – and I started to draw.
Not drawing for the eyes of others (normally the case for someone who had been a freelance designer & illustrator for years)… but drawing – simply for the love of drawing. And – in a sense – pouring out my thoughts and ideas and rants… into art. Kinda like a creative journal.
And the more I drew… and the more I managed to put stuff that was in my head… on to paper… in the form of a picture, collage, cartoon or poem… I found myself calming down, regaining clarity and thinking: “Geez! I love doing this! I love drawing. I have loved drawing my whole life. Why have I put this vital part of who I am… on the back-burner for so many years? Why did I pack away my paints? Why did I stop? Art, design and illustration is – ME… (and always has been). Why have I hoofed it outside my home – to shiver on the back porch?”
So – there you have it!
Instead of blogging… I have been drawing. And drawing, and drawing and drawing.
And with the art – has come some (much needed!!) clarity. I will share more about the clarity in another post. In the meantime, I’ll share some photos that I’ve taken of my art journal. These journal are just a taster… just a few pages… of – as Nick calls it: my Mind-Dump. I love that analogy: a Mind-Dump.
Instead of obsessing over ideas (inside my head) – I’ve “dumped” them out on paper. And – truly – it feels like some kind of wonderful cranium clean-up!
Okay… enough blah-blah’ing…
Here’s a few photos instead: