Nothing like a dose of awfulness to put life’s priorities into perspective.
We have a close family relative who is going through the most horrific divorce. Really… it’s a horrific divorce.
I have always chosen to see both sides of the story (and have tried not to take sides) – but the whole thing is awful, and it has turned so ugly… and it’s a struggle to believe that these two people once loved each other. And, to make matters worse, there are 2 children in the mix.
Last night, Nick and I sat on the phone talking to one of the family members and, afterwards, we spoke to each other (on the phone ’cause he’s still in Klaarstroom)… and we just – I guess – gave thanks.
We are both so grateful (and I want to put that in capital letters: GRATEFUL and THANKFUL !!!) that we have a very happy marriage. So many people don’t. Maybe even most people… (?) I do not take my marriage and the relationship I have with Nick for granted. And I hope I never do!
I was married before.
And I understand what it means to be unhappily married. I understand how a miserable marriage has a way of infecting your whole life. And so, perhaps even more than Nick, I am soooooo grateful for this. I am grateful for Nick… I am grateful for our kids… I am super-super-grateful for the time we have together – investing in each others’ lives.
Nick said the same thing.
He said: “I know what matters in this life… and I know what DOESN’T matter”.
And I agree with him. So (and I’ve written similar blog posts about this in the past) – here’s where I remind myself what really matters – and what doesn’t:
Stuff that matters:
- Our marriage.
- Our children.
- Our health.
- Spending quality time with those we love the most.
- Deep, beautiful friendships… (that aren’t shallow or fickle).
- Being generous with our lives and with our talents.
- Investing our time and energy into work that fulfils us and makes us come alive.
- A roof over our head, food on our table and the resources that we need to be able to DO what we’re designed to do with our lives.
- Giving back.
- Love… growth… learning… (and more love)…
Stuff that doesn’t matter:
- The size or cost of the house we own.
- The size, brand or cost of the car we drive.
- Whether or not we have “status”.
- The amount of *stuff* we own.
- The brand or the cost of the clothes we wear.
- What we *look* like (whether we’re thin enough, “hot” enough… or whatever-enough).
- What other people say about us.
- What other people think about us.
I’m sure I could add a number of extra points to each list. Do you have a list? I’d love to hear what’s important – or NOT important – to the readers of this blog…
Anyway…
Nick and I are endeavouring to… remove ourselves… from situations (whether with work, family, colleagues or other relationships) where the focus is on fickle, meaningless… I dunno… bickering… arguing about silly things… like a bunch of crabs in a bucket – everyone pushing, pulling, trying to climb on top of the other guy… trying to squash someone else in order to get to the ‘top’… you hear what I’m saying?
Seriously – life is too short for that crap.
I don’t want to be embroiled in the fickleness any more.
I’m bone-tired of the skinner (gossip) mentality that permeates our culture.
And I’m no less susceptible to it than anyone else.
Just yesterday, the YOU magazine ran a 4-page article comparing a pregnant Reality-TV star to a pregnant princess. It was all about who-weighs-what and who-wore-what or who-wore-it-better. The one was “too fat” (they called her a whale) – the other was apparently “too skinny”.
I mean really?
You know?
I just don’t want to be exposed to that… mentality… any more. I want to walk away from it.
I want to hang out with good friends… I want to connect with new people and discuss new ideas. I want my kids to be figuring out ways to create beauty in this world… imagining how we can save endangered species or invent new solutions to big problems – or how we can shift the status quo in new, inspiring ways…
I don’t want my daughter to be sizing up celebrities or comparing the size of her body to somebody else. In the words of Beauty Redefined, she is capable of so much MORE than just being “looked” at (or talked about).
Anyway…
There was a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that I once read that goes like this:
“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people”.
It sounds a bit uppity (the quote)… but – if you look at it from an angle of a “small-minded mentality”… I dunno… perhaps it’s something to chew on?
I’m certainly chewing….
I agree wholeheartedly Heather, we live in a toxic society where people obsess about their looks and their wealth and all the truly important things are forgotten about. I’m hoping that there will be a swing towards the things in life that really matter; honesty, kindness and joie de vivre!
I hope for the same… honesty, kindness and yes! – a love of life! Why have so many of us become so “accepting” of misery? Life is just… too short! I don’t want to just… “survive” – I want to THRIVE! 🙂
Maybe people don’t really live or understand the gifts and blessings they have until it is no longer there.
Your baby not surviving full term.
Losing car, house and dreams.
Cancer stealing life from your baby sister and joy friend.
“Goodbye. I don’t love you anymore” after 20 years together.
Its in places of shattering and devestation,here on your knees among the ruins, that you understand and unpack the question “what matters and what doesn’t matter”.
And the question “what are you holding onto and what do you need to let go of”.
I have learnt among the ruins….
That life is precious and so fragile.
That my childrens giggles are music to my soul.
That God loves me and promises to give me “beauty for ashes”.
Real friends are few.
That life is not a dress rehealsal, but once is more than enough to live LOUD.
That been “silly” is fantastic and free therapy.
That everyday Gods fingerprints, joy deposits and beauty are all around me, so I look out for them. (A hiding go seek game of sorts and Jesus twirls in delight each time I notice one).
That I am worth being adored and loved.
That the greatest jewels around my neck are my childrens arms.
That laughing helps!!
That God is fair and faithful even if life isn’t.
That extending forgiveness is a priceless gift I give myself.
That there is no “OK” button that will magically make life OK. Life is raw & real. Life bites & blows your hair back. Life is beautiful & hurts. Life is dealing with the mess u make & trying your ass off to build something worthwhile again. Life is about giving & often getting little back. Life is life – and I NEED TO DEAL WITH IT !!
I matter
My kids matter
Really living, loving and laughing matters
Smiling matter
Praying matters
Loving big matters
Hope matters
Spoiling and respecting myself matters
Family matters
Being goofy matters
Wellness matters
God matters
The rest… Not for this chick 🙂
Quality time with my Kids and Wife really really matters to me
I know… when it comes down to it, that’s what matters most, huh?
I would like to move away from snobby judgy-ness in all areas. We should not care if people are thin or fat, but we should also not care, if people are dumb or clever. If people are educated or not. If people want to be educated or not. If people can tell jokes or not, if people can decorate a room or not, if people know how to style their hair, or not to wear their pants too tight.
The thing I reserve the right to care about, is expecting people to hold themselves to their own highest standard, whatever that means. So for me, saying ‘each to their own’ is not good enough when I see someone being racist, mean or judgy. If I am against judgy, if I am against people lording it over others for stupid reasons, I aught to call people out on it when I see it happening.
Wanting to stay out of pettiness for me, also means not being a party to it through my silence. I should be braver than that, anything else feels like a cop out.
By deciding to stand up against mean people and biggots, I can then expect to get lumped with “Who are YOU to judge us?”
Who am I not to? The only thing I have is a brain which tries to notice right from wrong, who tries to be the best person I can be, who tries to help rather than just silently shrugging.
I agree, Soo… although, I guess, many people have MANY different ideas on what’s “right” and what’s “wrong”. What’s right and wrong is – I guess – in the eye of the beholder (like beauty). But, as you say, the best we can do is to hold ourselves to our OWN highest standard (whatever that may be)… and then be wary of judging others who may view “standards” through a completely different lens than our own… (?)