The stuff that counts...

The stuff that counts…

This morning, I read the most devastating news about a family (in our Travelling Families group) who lost their little boy in the most heart-wrenching way.  I can’t even bring myself to write about what happened.

My heart is so sore – and I haven’t even met this family personally.

Ever since reading the news… I have found it difficult to work… difficult to focus… difficult to get anything done.

All I can think about is my little boy… who plays at my feet, proudly displays his lego creations and treats me to kisses and hugs – and I cannot imagine how I would stay sane and survive if…

(I can’t even articulate the IF…)

It’s too horrible for words.

My heart is so sore today.  I wish I could somehow… fix… this awfulness.   I wish I could massage healing balm into the hearts of those parents.   Not possible, of course, but still…

Once again… it’s a reminder that life is a precious gift – and it is short!  (and in the case of this little boy, way-way too short… tragically, unfairly short!).

Walking through our house again… with it’s stacked up boxes of crap (that we still need to sell)… and the 2 unfinished bathrooms (that we still need to tile)… and the endless tasks we still need to accomplish (before we can finally set out on our family adventure in August)… I am reminded of how long we have “settled” and put-up-with, and accepted the mundane routine of our lives.  I think of how many years we have drifted along – and allowed life to just have it’s way with us – as though we deliberately chose a life-raft… instead of a yacht or a row-boat… or a ship with a kick-ass rudder!

Life-rafts just… you know… drift.

You “survive” in life-rafts.

You “make-do”.

You “get by”.

I have been drifting and “making-do” for most of my life…

I spent 23 years in a small town that I hated.  Today, I ask myself:  WHY??

I spent double that amount of time people-pleasing… living up to other people’s expectations… obediently following-the-rules, ticking-the-boxes and doing all the things I was taught that I was “supposed to” do.  Today, I ask myself:  WHY??

I spent 9 years in a sad and miserable relationship that eventually ended in divorce and heart-break.  Today, I ask myself:  WHY??

Today, it’s hard for me not to see my life and my choices as… insulting… to those who never had them.

I have had so much available to me:  health, choices, talents, skills, resources, freedom …

How much of these have I wasted on a very mundane, less than exceptional existence…?  Dutifully plodding along with my extra cache of years…  wasting those years on crap like shitty jobs… and hours in front of a television set watching Reality-fucking-TV!…. precious years that so many good people never had… and, in the case of this little boy, never will.

In memory of that precious little boy… I want to tattoo his name on my heart – and never EVER forget – or take for granted – this one, short, precious life.