I have pretended to be a good girl… even though I actually love mischief and pushing boundaries and ignoring stupid rules.
I have pretended to be domestically inclined… when really, I don’t care at all about nicely cooked dinners, clean floors or neat houses.
I have pretended to be happy… when I was dying and crying inside.
I have pretended to be sad… because I yearned for someone’s attention.
I have pretended to be friendly… when she bored me to tears and I couldn’t wait to escape her company.
I have pretended to be neutral and unaffected… while inside, I burned with anger at their arrogance, racism, sexism and pig-headed politics.
I have pretended to be a Christian… when, for the most part, I couldn’t see any similarities between this revolutionary called Jesus and the stuff and man-made rituals that had been invented in his name.
I have pretended to be polite… whilst inwardly hating everything they stand for.
I have pretended to be confident… whilst everything inside me yearned to escape into the shadows and hide.
I have pretended to be caring… when I didn’t care at all.
I have pretended that I didn’t care… when my heart was breaking.
I have pretended that I wanted to change the world… when actually… I wanted to change myself.
I love the honesty and truth of this post, wow! This is something I think about a lot and the areas where I pretend sit so uncomfortably with me that I long to live more authentically and genuinely. I’m interested to know, how do you reconcile living an authentic life with caring for people’s feelings and/or politeness? I’m really loving your blog, so glad I came across it.
Thanks, Vicky! And what a great question: HOW to live an authentic life whilst still being considerate of other people’s views and feelings (even though they may be conflicting with my own)… this question deserves a considered response… and I actually think I’ll blog about it (partly to digest a couple of ideas and thoughts I’m trying to work out myself)… Thanks for reading – and for responding! 🙂
You took the words right out of my mouth!
I have lived my whole life neatly wrapped and tucked in the “Good Girl” box.
I strived to “do the right thing” and when I slipped up or chose wrong, a beat myself up for it.
I spent 20 years of my life with a man I adored, loved and treasured more than anything. I loved him, cheered him on, believed in him, was cheerleader for his hopes and dreams, was faithful to him, trusted him, cherished him, spoke words of life to him, protected him, loved him some more…. I did “all the right things”.
One night he asked for a divorce.
My “good girl” box was thrown to the ground, my hearts contents spilling out and I was devestated. I had done “all the RIGHT things” according to what I had been told and taught to believe.
And the shame of DIVORCE was like a heavy scratchy coat that I constantly figgeted in. It poked and itched at all my “good girl” box ideals.
So one day I unpacked my little box. With its dented lid, pushed in corners and broken side. I ran my fingers gently over the values and morals I held. The escaping tears splashed on my broken dreams and lost “forever after”s. I held my soul, all who I was up to the sunlight….
Who was I really? What did I really believe?
What do I need to embrace and what do I need to let go of?
These were questions that started me questioning everything in my life. My walk of faith, my family value system, my parenting “rules”, my hang ups and insecurities, my moral compass and ultimately Me.
For so long I had done the “right thing”, because of fear or expectations.
My journey is a contineous one. But 4 years along, I have ditched the scratchy coat. I have tossed the broken box and have choosen to be ME. Real, raw and honestly ME.
I have embraced my brokeness and allowed the light of Jesus to shine thru the cracks. I have tried some “naughty girl” vices. I have ditched some and kept some. I have decided to throw out all the “good girl” RULES (and sho, there were so many) and live life LOUD. I choose to laugh and be silly, to be real and true to myself, to say NO, to be spontaneous, to try new adventures, make new friends, smile for no reason, to nurture and spoil me, to be gracious to myself, to teach my kids to live their life adventure that is written by Gods own hand and truley live this life being who they are. No boxes again.
I now know that God can bring “beauty out of ashes”.
I love who I am for the first time in my life!
I love the One who gave me this life and I am loving and living my life.
Because I am worth it.
🙂
Beautiful response, Shel. Thanks for being so open, so truthful and so vulnerable. I really value your story and what you have to share. X
I feel like you have been taking a walk in my mind ; so many of these are things that I think about all the time . I am also glad I stumbled upon your blog .
I couldn’t find anywhere else to say thank you for posting a while ago about yearning and aching for more passion in life – you were able to express a feeling I haven’t been able to put into words until i happened to come across it yesterday .
Sorry that I’m only reply now… I replied when I first saw your post – but have had some wordpress issues – and I see that my reply hasn’t been logged! Thank-you for your response – I’m glad you stumbled across my blog too! I love meeting and connecting with new friends. 🙂
I figured the comment was lost due to all your followers – it’s no big deal . I truly enjoy and look forward to your posts – the one about body image struck a chord and I can’t wait to see what else pops up on my dash (:
🙂